Why I Don’t Do Nudes

“Send me a picture.”

Whenever I see this I should automatically know to erase that dudes number and start talking to someone else. I don’t send nudes and no dude that asks for one is going to stick around if you don’t send one. They’re after sex and what kind of a prude doesn’t send nudes, right?

Me, that’s who.

I don’t do it for a number of reasons, my primary reason being that I just can’t bring myself to take myself seriously when I’m standing in front of a mirror, either semi or fully nude, trying to seem sexy.

If nudity was all these dudes wanted, then they could look up pictures on the internet. What they want is you exuding sex from behind an AMOLED screen, they want you to be sexy for them.

The idea of it all is just ridiculous to me. That doesn’t mean I’m against receiving nudes though. Sure, pull out your dick and snap a pic, it’s not that hard. For me though, what is it you want to see and how exactly am I supposed to snap a pic? Am I just supposed to spread eagle in front of a mirror and snap? I don’t think so.

In addition to this, there’s a few other reasons I won’t.

  1. Most dudes I talk to that ask for them usually disappear after a few days or a week. I can’t send every single one of them nudes! Pretty soon it’d be as widespread as a wildfire and when I do decide to show the goods to someone, they’ll have seen it already from a friend of a friend.
  2. I don’t trust people. I’ve had exes say they’ve erased pictures to later learn, they never did. Keeping pictures for your private collection, sure go ahead. How do I know it’s private though? I’ve shared some of the nudes I’ve received so how do I know they’re not doing the same.
  3. The pictures never really die. They’re in the cloud. I’ve erased pictures from my phone only to find them in my computer and in my cloud services. Not the best when you’re browsing in public.
  4. Videos are the worst. I once sent a video of some solo action to Spidey. He watched it a few times then erased it. I erased it. However, the thumbnail decided to stay on my photo gallery. Which I discovered a few months later when my nieces and nephews were taking pictures of themselves. Never in my life have I been so quick to grab my phone, don’t swipe left!!!!
  5. Again, videos are the worst. This doesn’t qualify as sending a nude but still. The one time I hooked up with Monstrous  I let him record it. On his phone. I thought it’d just be one video but it ended up being various videos, each one a few minutes long. From about every angle it seems. In the 2-3 years since it happened I’ve gotten countless texts and emails with a video or two. This dude is always in and out of my life and sometimes he likes to reappear and remind me of the one adventurous night we had. No need to remind me, I was there too.   And it’s always with the same “thinking of you” context. I should know to be cautious when I open any messages from him but I always forget the video even exists and then there it is all over again. I have an old phone it’s saved on. The battery crapped out on me and it won’t turn on anymore. I have yet to get rid of this phone because I don’t need everyone else knowing what my O face looks like. I don’t regret letting him record it nor do I feel like he’s in any way stepping out of line by sending it to me every so often. Next time I’ll just be the sure to be the one who records so I know I am the sole owner of any type of sex tapes where I’m the female lead. Random tidbit. Before we started having sex we were watching A Knight’s Tale. By the time we were full on into it, the movie was over and the end credits had begun. We had sex to “We Are The Champions” by Queen and after seeing the sex tape dozens of times I only recently realized that we had a soundtrack.

Also, FYI to any Californians who sext on the regular. If  you let a partner take pictures of you and later find them on the interwebz, you’re protected. They can face a fine and/or jail time. These have to be sexy time pictures of you of course, that unflattering shot of you at Thanksgiving is just something you’ll have to live with.

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Categories: Just Because | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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