The art of ass sniffing

I will never for the life of me understand why dogs sniff each others asses. But then again, I’ll never understand why they lick their own balls either, is it for pleasure or do they lick just to lick? I looked it up because I like to know things. If I accomplish nothing in life, at least I’ll know that I have a ton of useless information. Turns out that dogs don’t smell each others asses to say hello. They do it because, according to this article, their ass gives off a smell in which the smellers can determine the smellees gender, health, and all sorts of other vital information.

Sniff, sniff, whoa that poodle has mono! OR Snnniiiiiiiiffffffffff, mmmm this chow husky mix is definitely packing where it matters most. I actually don’t know how this shit works exactly because I myself am not a dog, no matter HOW many times I am referred to one.

Ba dum tss

So basically, that initial whiff gives the dog all kinds of useful information. Can you imagine if that shit worked for people? With one big whiff you’d know about someones 401K or past sexcapades gone wrong. While it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to go around smelling peoples asses all day, we do get pretty close.

It’s not called ass sniffing, it’s called online stalking.

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes


Sometimes it can be done without the other person knowing. A lot of people actually put their instagram info on their Tinder profile so you can sniff around without them ever knowing. Some people want to know when you’re sniffing around and have a private account. Why tell everyone where the partys at if you still have to ask to come in? I don’t do either but I will give out the info once I’ve semi started talking to someone and seen that they’re not batshit crazy.

The funny part is when they start liking or commenting on pictures. Now not only have they sniffed but they’ve started sprinkling some pee around. They want you to know they’ve been looking around. I always take this as a cue to go ahead and do the same. That picture you can’t get enough of, go ahead and double tap now.

Other sites such as OkCupid let you know about the ass sniffing as soon as it goes down. The minute someone looks at your profile you get a notification that they’re checking you out. The bad thing is though that it’ll notify the smellee for each time you do it. Like what you see? Well you’d be better off taking a screenshot of someones profile than coming off as extremely creepy for checking out that same profile a few dozen times a day.

Much like how dogs do this to get a better sense of the other dogs, we do this to get a better sense of other people. Maybe before I totally wanted to date a certain guy but after checking out his hundreds of pics of him blackout drunk I might reconsider? Or vice versa. If I was on the fence about somebody, his pictures might sway me in his favor.

As for me, I don’t always have the most flattering pictures of myself on Instagram but if a guy wants to see more of me, then I figure he’ll definitely get a better sense of who I am. While I do have more than 600 pictures on my account, the majority of them aren’t of my face (see: not a selfie whore).

So go ahead people of the world, take a look around and get a nice whiff. If you like what you see, I guess you can pee on me some. Not literally though. Definitely, not literally.

Categories: Just Because, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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