Tweezers, anyone?

Sometimes in life you have to go through some shitty situations so you can enjoy and appreciate the good.

And sometimes in life you’ve had it so good that you didn’t even realize there was any bad to be had.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have gone 15 years of being sexually active and have NEVER seen a small penis until this year. I think it goes without saying that I’ve been around, but let me say it anyway. I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF EFFING PENISES! Never have I had the misfortune of ¬†encountering one that was on the small side. I’ve been lucky I guess you can say. I’ve had both long (see: Monstrous) and girthy (see: Sunday Bloody Sunday).

The first dude I met on Tinder had a girlfriend. I felt bad. So I only slept with him twice lol. The first time we had sex I could feel he lack of substance and thought it was quite funny when he said, “I’m so deep inside you!” because I for one, estimated it to be the opposite. It wasn’t until the second time that I was able to confirm my suspicions when I actually held him in my hand. Whoa. I thought it was an urban legend, I didn’t actually know they came that small.

Instead of being shallow and making some snide remark I simply positioned myself to where I would benefit the most and went about my business. Oddly enough, that was also the day I told him he should be faithful to his girlfriend.

Sudden guilt trip or subconscious attempt to get away from the man with the small penis? You decide.

That was in February/March. I haven’t talked to him since and he’s still on Tinder. Sorry ladies.

Now we come to man #2.

This weekend I started talking to a Tinderfella that was visiting so of course he was trying to get his dick wet. Had he been any thirstier I would’ve had to take him to the ER to hook him up to an IV for fear of dehydration.

He seemed cool and was not only able to keep up with my witty banter but he was able to throw it back so I figured, meh, why not.

We agreed to meet up that night at a bar and sneak away for a bit. I was with my friends and I wasn’t exactly about to ditch them so I could go have sex.

Dude shows up and seems cool. Not drop dead gorgeous but no worries, he’ll do. We sneak away blah blah blah. I’ll keep at the details out because that’s a whole other story. Probably one of the worst attempts at a hookup to ever have gone done in the history of hooking up.

Somehow we end up in his car, not having sex at all but with his masturbating. I tried to help for a few minutes but let me just say that it’s hard to jerk someone off when their dick doesn’t even fit in the palm of your hand. Not even lying. I kept having to pull it just so it wouldn’t slip out of my palm. I guess he got the point because he ended up finishing himself off.

I know that there are a bunch of factors that go in to determining what size your peen is going to be and that no one has any control over it. But geeze, I would hate to be a dude with a small dick. I’d become the world’s greatest pussy eater if that was the case or the man with the fastest fingers. I don’t know. Something to make up for the fact that I had a small dick. This dude was neither. Shit, I don’t even think he knew where my vagina was because for the 2 seconds he had his hand up my dress half of it was spent on everything BUT my pussy.

To the short-dicked dudes of the world, I feel for you, I really do. But maybe you should pick up some skills, like don’t expect me to work for it when you’re the one that isn’t bringing anything to the table.

I’m not going to sit here and go the typical route and make fun of these dudes because I’ve always been a firm believer of size not really mattering. I’ve had plenty of big-dicked dudes who didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

C’mon guys, meet me halfway here.

Well, I guess considering size I can meet you 3/4 of the way since you can only go about 1/4. Hahahahahaha ok, that’s all.

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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