Anatomy of a date

3 hours before

Ugh. I have to start getting ready soon. Do I haaaaaaave to go? I’d really rather just stay here and watch another 10 episodes of Botched. What if I just pretend I forgot?

Incoming text:

Are we still on? Looking forward to seeing you! – Guy

“Me too!!”

Gag. I guess I really have to go now.

2 hours before

How do I really *need* to shave? Can I just pretend I went straight from an errand? It’s not like we’re not going to have sex because of it. Oooh sex!

15 minutes before

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! WHAT IF HE’S CRAZY?! WHAT IF HE’S UGLY! OH GOD, WHAT IF HE HAS HORRIBLE TEETH OR A FUNNY ACCENT?! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK *makes sure I packed a condom* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

5 minutes in

Holy shit, he’s really cute. Like way cuter than I expected! No funny accent, horrible teeth, or signs of being a total nutcase. Why’d I get so worked up?

30 minutes in

Wow, he’s really smart! And funny. I’m not even pretending to laugh, I’m actually laughing. Geeze, and he’s SO cute! Go, me!

1 hour in

Is he STILL talking about the same story? Ugh, my cheeks are starting to hurt from holding this fake ass smile. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SHUT UP?! *pretends to text* *nods enthusiastically* *checks time* I should really leave soon. Like first break in the conversation. Ugh. We didn’t even makeout. Hmm. I do have that condom. And it’d be a shame to put it to waste. Just how much effort would I have to put in to make this happen? *feigns laugh* ok, fine! 30 more minutes and Im out of here.

90 minutes in

God, this guy is SO weird. No wonder he’s online! I’m sooooo bored.

I should really get going now. I have to be up super early tomorrow. 

Ok, fuck it. I’m going for it. If anything I can make it seem like it was his idea and at the very least get a good finger fuck out of this. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll go down on me?

10 minutes later

FINALLY! FUCK YES! SO GLAD I STUCK AROUND! OOOH YEAH, RIGHT THERE, THAT’S THE SPOT, HOLY SHIT i’M ABOUT TO CUM!

10 minutes later

God, when is this guy going to finish. He’s even weirder than I thought! No need to walk me out. Just finish and I’ll be on my merry way.

End of date

That wasn’t so bad. I can totally see myself dating this dude.

Let’s hang out tomorrow! – Guy

For sure!! 


 

Welcome to my fucking life. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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