I think at one point in life everyone has that one person that is so completely wrong for them, they know it but plow on anyway.
That person for me is Carlsbad. From the moment I met him, I knew he was bad news for me. And time and time and time again he’s done nothing but prove to me just how wrong.
What do we do when it doesnt work out? Give it a few weeks and try again only to fail miserably and restart the cycle all over again. This has happened at least 5 times already.
I can’t stay away from him.
Actually, correction. I do just fine staying away from him, in fact I do much better at it then he does. But the minute he pops back up in my life, I drop everything for the 2 seconds of attention hes going to give me.
Things start off smoothly enough and only take days before he starts ghosting again. Does he have a girlfriend? Probably. Is he seeing other women? I wouldnt doubt it. Is he using me just for sex? I dont see why he wouldnt. Is he ever going to knock it off? Most definitely not.
It drives me absolutely insane that he does it and it makes me sick to know that all of my beliefs and morals go out the window the minute he comes around. I become “that” girl. The one who will do anything, no questions asked, just to keep him around or interested.
Each of the times Ive seen him last has been with the intention of cutting him loose and bidding him adieu. But the minute I see him, I melt. My brain turns to mush, butterflies invade every cavity of my being, my serotonin levels shoot through the roof, and I suddenly dont care. If all I can get of him is a few hours or one night, then Ill take what I can get. And its not enough being around him, I have to touch him and be near him. I feel the energy radiating from his body and I need to connect. My body needs to be connected to his if even in the lightest touch.
I know in an earlier post I had talked about needing to consume his entire being and thats the only way I can describe it. This feeling within me is suddenly bigger than my feelings or my understanding. Lying in bed next to him its like the carnal desire takes over and I just have to touch him and hold on to him. It definitely isnt lust and Im the last person to cuddle or show any form of PDA such as handholding or hugging. But something in me takes over. I have to run my fingers over his entire body, his shoulders, his biceps, his chest, his ears, his hair, his lips, his thighs, everything!
I hate it.
I hate all of it.
Because I know this is temporary, because I know it will never work, but mostly because I know that it could have been great.