Let love in

Growing up my mom would always tell me, “Déjate querer.” Coming from my mother I always understood it to mean that I should let myself be sought after, that any body that wanted my affection should work for it, I shouldn’t give it so freely. And coming from her background, I know that’s how she meant it.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that this isn’t the meaning that holds true for my life.

As many words have multiple meanings, this saying also has multiple meanings.

Querer literally means to want something. Quiero esa manzana: I want that apple. But it is also a way of expressing your love. Te quiero: I love you.

When I hear “Déjate querer” I don’t hear my mothers advice of playing hard to get, I hear what the universe needs me to hear, and that’s to let myself be loved.

Until recently, I didn’t realize this was an issue for me. When I love, I love completely and I have no need to hold it back. But letting myself be loved is a whole other issue. I sabatoge myself, push people away, and become extremely guarded when any sort of interest sparks. When did I start doing this? I have no effing idea. Why? I haven’t the slightest clue.

I’m not much of a social butterfly anymore so I often wonder how Im supposed to meet people. If I’m out and a guy approaches me, I immediately shut him down. When I was online and a guy messaged me, I was counting down the seconds till he showed that he was only interested in sex or was uber creepy. I look for flaws to justify why they’re still single. I know why I’m single but what about you? Why are you so horrible that you’re available?

I’m not making it very easy I suppose.

Last night I met a friends new beau/current love interest. They met 2 weeks ago. Online. He came to a work-related event, met all her friends, made an effort to hang with them all after, and made plans for their attendance at another upcoming (see: October) work-related event. Not once did I think any of it was feigned or that he was creepy.

My co-worker (yes, the one I drunkenly had sex with. A few times. Because adults can totally do that and be cool and not weird and still be friends) met his girlfriend online. (Actually, I have yet to confirm but I’m about 99.9% positive this is how it happened). She moved here, met him about a week later, started calling him her boyfriend about a month in, and is now living with him. This is all within a matter of months (they met in late Sept.). While things may have happened a bit untraditionally for them, they both love each other and are making it work.

I’m not envious of either situation, I’m happy for both of them.

As I said in my previous post, I truly am happy and am totally fine with being single.

I’ve stopped having any form of communication with any guy I knew was just interested in hooking up. Not because I’m a prude but I’m just not interested. Why string them along when I know I won’t be crawling into any of their beds anytime soon?

When I look at my friends and their significant others, I dont yearn for a relationship, for someone to carry on my arm and proudly show off like some trophy. What I yearn for is to have someone to share something with. Be it experiences, success, or just a funny gif. Part of the excitement of new relationships is getting to know the other person.

Everything with me is either 0 or 100 but right now I think all I want is something smack in the middle. No random sexcapades but no commitments either.

I can’t expect for things to just happen on their own so short of me going up to random guys and asking if they’d be interested in getting to know me, I guess I’ll just have to go back online. And maybe actually stay online this time. I think maybe the longest I’ve had a profile up is about 3 weeks.

Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t but either way I could use the practice.  Maybe this will be the year that I learn to let love in.

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Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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