No Bueno

Ni come, ni deja comer

Why.

That’s all I want to know.

If Carlsbad doesn’t want to pursue anything with me, WHY doesn’t he leave me the hell alone. And if he is as interested as he says he is, then WHY the hell does he ghost every other week.

After my post the other day about telling these guys I wasn’t interested, I had decided I simply was going to ignore Carlsbad. No need to be rude but just let it be known that I wasn’t going to play along anymore.

Then yesterday he started following me on Instagram.

It’s not a big deal. My life does not revolve around social media. However, let it be known that since this whole rollercoaster started, we have friended/unfriended, followed/unfollowed, and blocked each other from just about every single social media account possible.  I’ve lost count. I just unblocked him from my personal FB account a few days ago and Im still blocked from his Snapchat.

This is all incredibly stupid I know.

Here’s what drives me nuts though. He’ll go through his silent treatments, and then when he wants to reach back out again, he’ll start liking all my social media activity.

If that’s his way of testing the waters, let me just say that all he does is rile the waters terribly.

What kind of sick, cyberstalker shit is this!?

Either tell me what you want or leave me be! I’ve had enough of the uncertainty and the yo-yo’ing. How am I ever supposed to move on if all this dude ever does is loosen up the line only to reel me back in!!! Do people take some sort of sick pleasure in doing this to others or is he really that unsure of what the hell he wants.

Please universe, guide me away from this dudes path. It’s not fair and frankly, I just can’t do this anymore.

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Lessons of a dumdum

Also, let it be noted that in the past 2 months I have had sexual relations 5 times. Only once of those 5 times was it protected.

Let it go on the record that I am an idiot.

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Locked out

I have two-step authorization enabled for my WordPress and Gmail accounts. It’s to prevent me from getting hacked. All it does is lock me out of my own accounts. Time after time.

Anywhoo, welcome back me!

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Don’t touch me

You are not entitled to my body, therefore you are not allowed to place your hands on me or touch me as you please.

If I say I dont want to dance with you Im not being coy, asking you to beg me, secretly hoping you ask again, and most definitely not inviting you to put your hands on me to grab me by the wrist to pull me up anyway.

Saying I dont want to dance doesnt mean Im a stuck-up bitch, it simply means NO, I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DANCE.

Thanks.

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And just like that, I lost

Never try to get involved with a guy who is recently single or has history with his ex.

You’re never going to win him over, no matter how authentic it seems.

The minute she comes back into the picture, he’s gone. No explanation, no note no sign that he was ever there to begin with.

I don’t blame the exes. Hell, I’d want someone to drop everything for me too. Just know, as an outsider, it’s not your place and no matter what you do, you’ll never win.

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Chastity belt it is

After yesterdays post I wldecided I shouldnt be such a hermit and make an effort to get out there.

Hahahahahahahaha jk.

More like I’d been drinking and suddenly got horny so I texted anyone & everyone.

The poet ended up being the first to respond and the first available to hang out so he won.  Although won is probably the wrong word.

I havent talked to him much these past couple of months. In reality, I actually dumped him for Carlsbad. I even told him so. Why he’d agree to come out, I dont know. The minute he showed up I started making out with him, totally unconcerned with the idea that he may not even want to or could possibly be seeing someone. He came out right? So what difference did it make.

After a bit, we left and I course left with him.

This dude does not sleep. Like ever. It can be 4 am and it doesnt faze him. Me on the other hand, lets just say I usually go to bed by 10:30. Exciting, I know.

We end up at the beach and he starts giving me a massage. Rubbing my neck, my back, and allllllll over. So of course, I did what any other person in my situation would do.

I fell asleep.

Yup. Totally passed out. Not once, but multiple times. I dont even know how long I was out for. When I did finally come to after my micro nap, I figured we should have sex or at least mess around since thats what I wanted in the first place.

Now this dude starts massaging my legs, up and down my thighs. I start squirming because of the proximity to my vajayjay. Thinking hes going to move in closer, I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally I decide to take matters in to my own hands and politely tell him Id like to sit on his dick. That should do the trick right?

Clothes come off, condom is prepped, penis is out annnnnnnnnnd penis goes down.

No sex.

This is the second time this month Ive attempted to have sex with someone and they just werent feeling it. There’s nothing quite as spirit lifting as a limp dick. Id even dare to say its the best feeling in the world!

Not.

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Tick tock

Am I the only one who finishes in less than 2 minutes whenever I masturbate?

It takes me longer to find some decent porn to watch.

The buildup is always so much better than the actual release.

Laaaame.

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Spoiler alert

In Return of the Jedi, Han Solo & Leia live happily ever after. Han gets his girl. Or so Wikipedia says, Ive never seen it.

But this isnt a movie. This is reality. And so Hans Solo doesnt get the girl. Instead he does quite the opposite. He sees to it that she’ll never want to see him again.

Last night started off fine, Mr. Solo was even looking pretty handsome. After a while though I asked when his last relationship was. Normally I dont care. Im not actively trying to date anyone nor make anyone my boyfriend.

The reason I asked is because the first time I came by this dudes profile he had a picture of a girl kissing his cheek. Second time around the girl had been cropped out, resulting in an extreme closeup. This was over a few weeks maybe so it was obvious he was suddenly a scorned lover.

When I asked he said he had just broken up with his GF of a year a month ago. Not only is the wound still fresh, its still bleeding. When he saw my reaction, he changed it to 3 months.

I have learned time and time again to avoid dudes who have recently gotten out of or are getting out of relationships. They’re bad news. Just like that, theyll vanish the minute the ex comes back in to the picture, and she always does. Shit now that I think about it, its probably not that Carlsbad had another chick on the side, it was probably his ex! Lol

So already this dudes no bueno for me. Even though Im not trying to date him, I dont need to invest any time into this. I can find someone to have sex with who doesnt have baggage.

Speaking of sex.

Id decided I didnt want to have any yesterday. It had been a 15 hour day for me and I wasnt feeling totally fresh. Sometimes, who gives a shit, and sometimes, no thanks. Had I been in the mood or had he tried hard enough I probably wouldve caved. Up until the end, this dude was super touchy feely, extremely talkative and interested in everything I had to say, complimenting me left and right. As soon as I said I didnt want to have sex, this foo shut down and went to sleep. Im not talking like gradually drifted off, I mean like as soon as I said it he sat there offened, “Oh. I thought you wanted to and I was cool with it.” So my smartass told him I shouldve at least let him know beforehand so he’d have time to rescind his invitation. He closed his eyes and slept.

So I left.

Fuck you and anyone else who thinks I am here strictly for YOUR sexual pleasure. Your walk-on role in my life is no longer needed, so please see your way out.

Im done.

Im done with all the assholes, the douches, the creeps, the clingy ass motherfuckers, the guys with small dicks, the dudes who think theyre doing you a favor, the bitches who keep fucking with your feelings because theyre unsure of their own, the Dr. Phil ass wannabes who keep telling you what to do yet their love lifes shitter than yours, and most importantly, the misogynists.

Stay the hell away from me, each and every one of you.

I am MUCH better off on my own, thank you very much.

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Anatomy of a date

3 hours before

Ugh. I have to start getting ready soon. Do I haaaaaaave to go? I’d really rather just stay here and watch another 10 episodes of Botched. What if I just pretend I forgot?

Incoming text:

Are we still on? Looking forward to seeing you! – Guy

“Me too!!”

Gag. I guess I really have to go now.

2 hours before

How do I really *need* to shave? Can I just pretend I went straight from an errand? It’s not like we’re not going to have sex because of it. Oooh sex!

15 minutes before

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! WHAT IF HE’S CRAZY?! WHAT IF HE’S UGLY! OH GOD, WHAT IF HE HAS HORRIBLE TEETH OR A FUNNY ACCENT?! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK *makes sure I packed a condom* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

5 minutes in

Holy shit, he’s really cute. Like way cuter than I expected! No funny accent, horrible teeth, or signs of being a total nutcase. Why’d I get so worked up?

30 minutes in

Wow, he’s really smart! And funny. I’m not even pretending to laugh, I’m actually laughing. Geeze, and he’s SO cute! Go, me!

1 hour in

Is he STILL talking about the same story? Ugh, my cheeks are starting to hurt from holding this fake ass smile. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SHUT UP?! *pretends to text* *nods enthusiastically* *checks time* I should really leave soon. Like first break in the conversation. Ugh. We didn’t even makeout. Hmm. I do have that condom. And it’d be a shame to put it to waste. Just how much effort would I have to put in to make this happen? *feigns laugh* ok, fine! 30 more minutes and Im out of here.

90 minutes in

God, this guy is SO weird. No wonder he’s online! I’m sooooo bored.

I should really get going now. I have to be up super early tomorrow. 

Ok, fuck it. I’m going for it. If anything I can make it seem like it was his idea and at the very least get a good finger fuck out of this. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll go down on me?

10 minutes later

FINALLY! FUCK YES! SO GLAD I STUCK AROUND! OOOH YEAH, RIGHT THERE, THAT’S THE SPOT, HOLY SHIT i’M ABOUT TO CUM!

10 minutes later

God, when is this guy going to finish. He’s even weirder than I thought! No need to walk me out. Just finish and I’ll be on my merry way.

End of date

That wasn’t so bad. I can totally see myself dating this dude.

Let’s hang out tomorrow! – Guy

For sure!! 


 

Welcome to my fucking life. 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m seeing someone

Ha, just kidding.

Although, if that statement were to apply to me it’d be closer to a few someones, not just one.

The way I see it, I’m single and what I do in my life is no ones business but my own. I’m not dating as many people as possible because I need or want attention, because I’m trying to score a free dinner or drinks, or because I’m a sex addict. I’m testing the waters. There’s no way of knowing whether I’m going to click with someone unless I hang with them. So that’s what I’m doing. Except it’s all at once. Kinda.

I once told a dude I wasn’t a serial dater buuuut I’m not so sure anymore.

Ideally, I just want to eventually meet someone who I can hang with. I’ve been given that but as life would have it, I’m just not that interested.

Instead of getting into specifics, I’m just gonna go ahead and break it down from maybe to probably never gonna happen. Being on OkCupid & Tinder there’s always a revolving door of nameless faces but these following dudes have stayed relevant for more than a few days so kudos to them.

The Maybes
In a perfect world under other circumstances these dudes would be #1 picks. I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna happen but I’ll still try.

Tapeworm/Carlsbad: Ugh. This guy. This guy was all sorts of wrong and yet I kept pressing forward. I say was because I don’t talk to him anymore. Some things wont work no matter how hard you want them to. I really did like this dude and as much as I hate it, he still consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. Ok, maybe not evvvvvery day. I blocked him on Tinder & Instagram a few weeks back. I unblocked him on Insta and what do you know. As of last night he started following me again and liked a few of my pictures. As any self-respecting woman I should never even give this guy the time of day but if we’re being honest, I would probably drop everything if he asked.

The Poet: Never have I tanked a date so badly or made such a fool of myself than I have with this guy. I blame it on a lack of sleep. No lie, I brought up a past conversation and immediately realized the conversation had been held with someone entirely different. Whoops. He brushed it off. He’s only a few years older than me but has a trio of children. I want to like him and have hung out with him two nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning, buuuut I just dont see it happening.

The Navy Guy: Hung out with this guy and was actually met with more than I expected. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. In the short time I’ve known him he’s already shown to be all about me and has even stopped checking his OkC profile. He’s just a bit too mellow for me.

Hans Solo: This dude I’ve yet to meet. We started talking a few weeks ago and then he went MIA. Reappeared again and we just havent been able to meet up. I’m definitely interested in this guy, even if it is just to check out a reading nook he built for himself. First time he invited me over, my car was blocked in the driveway. The next time, my phone died before I could tell him what time I’d be free that night, and the last time I went on a last minute trip out of town.

Still a maybe, but probably never gonna happen
The old guy: Probably not the best nickname lol. Ten years older than me and Im strangely attracted. At first I thought just to hookup, then I considered for an actual date. We planned it and everything but as it got closer I got uber self conscious about being out with him since he was obviously older than me. His beard is heavily salt&peppered and I look younger than my age. Super shallow I know. I still tried to go through with it but then circumstances just didnt let it happen. So I ended up hanging with the navy guy and the poet instead. Not together, just kinda back to back. Yes I had 2 back to back “dates.” No shame. I saw this guy the day after we were supposed to hang, hes a bouncer at a bar I go to. We awkwardly greeted annnnnd to make things even weirder, the poet showed up to hang as well. I felt bad the entire night, especially because the poet was touchyfeely. Ive since messaged the old dude and apologized. I even told him Id still be interested in hanging. I was rightfully ignored for a few days. No big lol.

Il Italiano:  This guy has held on for somewhere around 3 months now and we’ve never even met! I keep forgetting all about him and then he pops up again. Kudos to this guy for his persistence.

I keep thinking one of these dudes will do something to stand out above the others so I can get rid of all the excess. Doesnt look like its gonna happen and so long as I keep thinking about effing Tapeworm, it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I’ll just keep hanging with them in the meantime I guess. Here’s to hoping I don’t hurt anyones feelings in the process.

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