No Bueno

Tweezers, anyone?

Sometimes in life you have to go through some shitty situations so you can enjoy and appreciate the good.

And sometimes in life you’ve had it so good that you didn’t even realize there was any bad to be had.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have gone 15 years of being sexually active and have NEVER seen a small penis until this year. I think it goes without saying that I’ve been around, but let me say it anyway. I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF EFFING PENISES! Never have I had the misfortune of  encountering one that was on the small side. I’ve been lucky I guess you can say. I’ve had both long (see: Monstrous) and girthy (see: Sunday Bloody Sunday).

The first dude I met on Tinder had a girlfriend. I felt bad. So I only slept with him twice lol. The first time we had sex I could feel he lack of substance and thought it was quite funny when he said, “I’m so deep inside you!” because I for one, estimated it to be the opposite. It wasn’t until the second time that I was able to confirm my suspicions when I actually held him in my hand. Whoa. I thought it was an urban legend, I didn’t actually know they came that small.

Instead of being shallow and making some snide remark I simply positioned myself to where I would benefit the most and went about my business. Oddly enough, that was also the day I told him he should be faithful to his girlfriend.

Sudden guilt trip or subconscious attempt to get away from the man with the small penis? You decide.

That was in February/March. I haven’t talked to him since and he’s still on Tinder. Sorry ladies.

Now we come to man #2.

This weekend I started talking to a Tinderfella that was visiting so of course he was trying to get his dick wet. Had he been any thirstier I would’ve had to take him to the ER to hook him up to an IV for fear of dehydration.

He seemed cool and was not only able to keep up with my witty banter but he was able to throw it back so I figured, meh, why not.

We agreed to meet up that night at a bar and sneak away for a bit. I was with my friends and I wasn’t exactly about to ditch them so I could go have sex.

Dude shows up and seems cool. Not drop dead gorgeous but no worries, he’ll do. We sneak away blah blah blah. I’ll keep at the details out because that’s a whole other story. Probably one of the worst attempts at a hookup to ever have gone done in the history of hooking up.

Somehow we end up in his car, not having sex at all but with his masturbating. I tried to help for a few minutes but let me just say that it’s hard to jerk someone off when their dick doesn’t even fit in the palm of your hand. Not even lying. I kept having to pull it just so it wouldn’t slip out of my palm. I guess he got the point because he ended up finishing himself off.

I know that there are a bunch of factors that go in to determining what size your peen is going to be and that no one has any control over it. But geeze, I would hate to be a dude with a small dick. I’d become the world’s greatest pussy eater if that was the case or the man with the fastest fingers. I don’t know. Something to make up for the fact that I had a small dick. This dude was neither. Shit, I don’t even think he knew where my vagina was because for the 2 seconds he had his hand up my dress half of it was spent on everything BUT my pussy.

To the short-dicked dudes of the world, I feel for you, I really do. But maybe you should pick up some skills, like don’t expect me to work for it when you’re the one that isn’t bringing anything to the table.

I’m not going to sit here and go the typical route and make fun of these dudes because I’ve always been a firm believer of size not really mattering. I’ve had plenty of big-dicked dudes who didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

C’mon guys, meet me halfway here.

Well, I guess considering size I can meet you 3/4 of the way since you can only go about 1/4. Hahahahahaha ok, that’s all.

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Note to self

You may want to figure out how to competently use an app before attempting to send nudes.

I don’t know if I just sent all my contacts on Snapchat a picture of my boobs.


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Bad Luck Betty

I’ve been stood up again. Not once, but twice. Again.

This is the second dude who has made plans with me and then gone MIA the day of. First dude did it within a week. Pffft second dude kicked it up a notch and did it within days.

I know, I know. Why the hell would I make plans with a guy AFTER he’s already stood me up before? Because apparently I’m an idiot.

As it is, I’m already extremely cautious guarded when getting to know dudes and after each dude it’s like security level goes up a notch. Offputting for some but I can’t effing help it if each dude seems an even better fit than the one before only to stand me up even worse than the one before him.


I’m not the type of girl to sit around and play mind games or even hard to get. I’m a woman goddammit. I wouldn’t bother wasting my time or anybody else’s if I truly didn’t think I’d like to get to know the person.

Not everyone feels this way I guess. What’s the point of laying on the charm and trying to woo a girl only to fall off the face of the earth a few days later?

I wonder. Do people keep tabs of how many people they lead on? Is there some underground club I’m unaware of? Well besides the one where the whole mission of the club is to seek me out, lead me on, and stand me up. I’m sure membership in that club is thrivvving. You’re welcome lol.

I’m not mad even though I’m sure it seems that way.

It’s frustrating but what are you gonna do? I think I get more upset at the fact that I’ve gotten ready and ended up with nowhere to go. Who’s going to admire my shiny hair now dammit?! Hahaha

I tried downloading Tinder again last night. That lasted all of 1 hour. I’m not some scorned woman whose swearing off men. I quite enjoy them actually. I’m just over the superficial conversations. And I’m lazy lmao. Too lazy to put in any effort at the moment.

On the plus side, a few strays have wandered back. Guys I had stopped messaging have all started surfacing again, on their own. It’s like they smell the failed attempts and have sniffed me out.

At this point in my life I would much rather an intellectual conversation, random adventures, and unfiltered intimacy with one person rather than endless drinks, feigned interest, and 4 am check outs with a revolving door of randos. But hey, what are you gonna do?

To the dudes who’ve stood me up, cheers, I aint mad at ya.


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No means no. Regardless of ANY situatuion, No means no. It isnt an invitation to try harder or a yes in disguise.

No fucking means no. 

Tonight I went out, met a dude, made out with him and eventually headed back with him to the mens bathroom.

He tried to fuck me and because he didnt have a condom I said no. He tried to stick it in me anyway. I said no. He tried to put it in my ass, I said no. He did it anyway. Twice. Against my will.

Let me clear this up. ANY sex that is non consensual is rape. I DID NOT consent to anal sex, therefore it was rape. I dont care that I agreed to go to the bathroom with him in the first place, I have the right to say no if I want. And guess what, it still means no!

Forcefully having sex with a person is rape. Of course I tell someone who I think will have sympathy and their response, “oh lol that sucks,  shouldnt have gone with him to the bathroom.” Fuck him and fuck society for imparting that reasoning on people.

I hope that the asshole that tried fucking me tonight rots in hell.

Ok, so the above post was written last night at 3:20 a.m. and I was still pretty pissed, understandably so. But now that I’ve had some time to cool off I just wanted to clarify some things. First off, I went out to a bar with friends and met a random guy there. It wasn’t a set-up date or anything, just some rando I started dancing with. 

Yes, we made out. Yes, I suggested we go to the bathroom or outside. Did I think we were actually going to have sex? Yea, very likely. However, when we got to the bathroom stall I asked if he had a condom. STIs are gross and he could always have something more serious, he said no and that we didn’t need one because he didn’t have anything anyway. 

I said no, we couldn’t fuck. 

By this point my pants were already down and so when I started pulling them back up, he turned me around and forced himself on me anyway. I said no again. And in this whole exchange of force and nay saying he put his penis inside my ass, not once but twice, the second time forcing himself further inside me and holding me so I couldn’t pull away. 

I finally managed to break free and gave him a piece of my mind and he pulled up his pants with an offended look on his face and walked out. Didn’t wait until I was fully dressed before opening the bathroom stall door. Didn’t say anything to me or look my way after that for the rest of the night. 

I don’t care if I agreed to go to the bathroom with him, I have the right to change my mind. Again, I repeat, no means no. Any sex that is not consensual is rape. It doesn’t matter that it was a few minutes, that it wasn’t extremely violent or anything of that matter, it was against my will. 

I know that every reader of this post is going to have different opinions and reactions, some even saying that I had it coming or that it wasn’t rape. Why? Because that’s the society we live in. We’re taught that people mean yes when they say no and it’s okay to force yourself on somebody that wanted it at some point.

It’s not.

I wrote this post, not because I want to play the victim or want attention, I wrote it because people don’t talk about things like this. It’s swept under the table. We’re taught to feel shame when something like rape or sexual assualt occurs and it’s not cool. I didn’t want to but this morning I told my sister the story, because it’s important for her to understand that no means no and that she has the right to change her mind and no one should EVER force her to do anything against her will. And if anything were to ever occur, she shouldn’t feel the need to cover it up.

Also, I don’t hope anyone rots in hell. I was obviously livid. I do however, hope he one days understands what no means.  


4/27/14 12:01 p.m. 


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Forever Alone

As much as I would like to date someone right now, I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. Both in person and online, I just don’t have the energy to put in any effort on my part. Ugh, I hate “tell me about yourself” and the 20 questions that come after. Is it so hard to just want to meet someone without having to hand over my autobiography first?

My siblings say my standards are too high but I think I’m just too lazy.


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In Colorado this a.m. a teen was stabbed to death at school by a fellow classmate after rejecting his invitation to the prom. He asked her out, she said no, he followed her, strangled her, pushed her down the stairs, and then stabbed her to death.

What. The. Fuck.

I’m not going to sit here and point fingers because I don’t know what went down but seriously, over a rejection to prom!? Thoughts and prayers to the victims family.

Click the link below to read the story.

Boy stabs, kills girl who turned down prom date

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