That moment when you go through your purse at work and realize the pantyhose from last nights sexcapades are still in there.
That moment when you go through your purse at work and realize the pantyhose from last nights sexcapades are still in there.
So it’s been about a week and a half now of me being on my best behavior. Go me! And we’ve hit our first hiccup. I haven’t heard from Carlsbad in about a day and a half.
Hold the phone. Before you jump to any conclusions let me first state that I am not one to cling. I don’t need to talk to him every day and I sure as hell can go a lot longer without talking to him.
However, I did text him as we usually do and my texts went ignored.
Carlsbad has a habit of disappearing for days at a time only to later reappear as if nothing happened. Does he have a bunch of side chicks or some gay affair? Probably. Do I care? Not at the moment. Whatevs.
This time around instead of getting mad about it though, I’ve decided to let him be. He’s the one that came to me telling me he wanted to try, so if this is him trying I can tell you it’s not going to get him very far.
Anyway, because I’m still single I can still do whatever the hell I want, right?
So yesterday when I got the cold shoulder I figured I’d go to my trusty Tinderfolk. Started off simple enough, they both told me how much they’ve missed me. Of course, the poet has a way with words so his compliments always sound like mini love poems haha. But like I said, it started off ok. Quickly enough, I remembered whhhhhy I had already decided before Carlsbad showed up, why I wasn’t considering taking things further with these dudes.
Dammit, now I’m gonna have to figure out how to get rid of these dudes a second time. The poet will keep texting me and when I don’t respond will start sending repeated texts or emojis until I respond. The navy guy is out of town and is already making plans to see me the minute he gets back. As if that wasn’t enough, now I’m getting his dick pics along with “what are you doing” texts every 30 minutes.
Uggggggh, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!
Next time I feel like I need an ego boost, I’ll just sit in front of the mirror lmao.
I’m completely infatuated and I don’t care.
Pet names. Cutsey texts. Long, drawn out sighs. Daydreaming.
Check. Check. Check. And check.
I told this man I wanted to keep him in my pocket and at the time, I probably meant it. If this man was oxygen I would inhale him right up so he could flow through my blood stream and be one with my body. I don’t know what it is about him. From the moment I met him, he has consumed my thoughts day after day. Since we decided to work things out about a week ago, we haven’t even seen each other. Hell, we don’t even text that much! And yet, there’s just something so undeniably charming about him that just draws me in.
I’m tired of fighting it, I don’t care anymore. If infatuated is what I am, so be it. I’ve accepted it and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to enjoy every minute of this dopamine inducing high.
We all experience it for a whole bunch of different reasons. One of the big reasons being that our expectations dont always match our reality.
In dating, I’ve been burned so many times that I’ve began to expect everything to go horribly wrong. When it doesnt, Im always pleasantly surprised. But I can’t go around with such low expectations of people and events.
On the flip side, sometimes I expect too much. We all do. And while some things are cultural norms, every single person was brought up differently in a completely different background and so sometimes those so-called norms are thrown right out the window.
Right now that Im trying to work things out with Carlsbad, I’m expecting things to go a bit faster. Hell, I’d settle for a brisk pace instead of the snails pace it seems to be taking. I’ve turned away dudes left and right and all Im getting in return are texts with pet names such as ‘lover’ and ‘mami.’ Uh, what?
I’m not expecting a midnight serenade outside my bedroom window but can I least be the one to reply to a text instead of being the one to initiate them?
So I told him to “try harder” last night.
On the one hand, Yes I would totally LOVE for this dude to step up his game! Buuuuut I have to remember, he is not me. He doesnt move at my million miles per hour pace. Shit, for all I know he may think he’s already bringing me the moon and the stars because he’s using pet names instead of my actual name. I.dont. know.
But whatever it is, I can’t hold him to my expectations and then be disappointed when he doesnt reach them. I’m not saying he doesnt have to put in any effort. That shit’ll get old reaaaal quuick. But, in the meantime, while we’re still getting a feel for one another I’ll just have to sit back and let it happen on its own.
Now excuse me while I get comfortable. I have a feeling this may take a bit.
Oh my, what an interesting turn of events.
Just yesterday I posted about all the guys I was potentially dating. In the first guys description I said I would probably drop everything had he popped back up. I was joking. Not because I didnt mean it but because we weren’t talking anymore and him popping back up would be like me getting eaten by a dinosaur. It just wasnt going to happen.
If you’ve been following me for a bit or have suddenly binge read all my posts, you’ll see that I’ve talked about this guy in sevvvvvveral posts (The Contender, Sunday Bloody Sunday, something about me wanting to date him, and one about me telling him to fuck off).
From really early on, I liked this guy. Our first date only solidified these feelings. But in the months or so that we talked and hung out after, it was all over the place. Sometimes I wouldnt hear from him for days and other times it was nonstop. It was definitely the most confused I had ever been. I decided if I wanted to stay sane I had to cut him loose, so I did. I bid him adieu and blocked him on Tinder and Instagram, and I erased his phone number and all messages.
After about a week I unblocked him on Insta thinking a) he’d never notice he wasnt following me anymore and b)even if he did notice he wouldnt be dumb enough to follow me again. My profile isnt private so if he wanted to creep he could do so without me ever knowing.
Two nights ago I logged on and saw that not only had he started following me, he went and liked some of my pictures. For a second I was flattered but I quickly became upset. How dare he just fucking pop back up and leave proof that he had been visiting my page?! Couldn’t he just do it without letting me know?!
I was still pretty pissed about it yesterday so I went through my phone to see if I could somehow find his number. I then messaged him asking what the hell he was thinking.
I know this sounds a bit ridic considering its just another follower but it was about the principle. I had made it clear I was done with him so why come back?!
Of course, we then ended up texting for hours and hours.
I told him I was upset and I was done with him and all that jazz. What does he come back with?
I wasn’t sure what u wanted. U werent exactly very clear with me either. But I do like you and if it could work between us, I’d be stoked.
Cuz I started to miss you
I feel like u like to go out and date and have fun and even if I tried to make it work, you’d still want to keep doing that.
I wanna try
That and a whole lot of other stuff. How is he going to pop back up and drop a load on me like that?! I’ve been dating, I’ve been thinking about him less, I havent reached out to him. Why now?! Why at all??!?!?!
I thought about it all day.
I’m STILL thinking about it now but what’s done is done.
I told him ok, I said he could try.
I know some of you may not agree with me. Hell, I know none of my friends or family would even agree with me. I’ve already been hurt because of all the confusion with this guy and all the yo-yo’ing. I’ve already moved on and started seeing other people, people who probably already think we’re officially dating.
But at the end of the day, he’s still the guy I think about and the one I want to be with. I know I’m probably setting myself up to get hurt but I have to try.
The whole point of me trying online dating is so I could find someone to date. I found someone I genuinely like and Im supposed to place him aside for a safer bet?
It sucks, it really does. This can go either way but I wont know unless I try.
I’m not holding my breath or getting my hopes up, I’m just gonna sit back and let things unfold on their own.
As it is I’m always pretty skeptical and a bit removed. Now in this case I feel like I have to be extra cautious. I’m scared shitless. Just thinking about it makes my throat close up.
I’m hoping it all works out but even if it doesn’t, I can always go back on Tinder or OkC and at least I’ll be able to say, I tried.
I will never for the life of me understand why dogs sniff each others asses. But then again, I’ll never understand why they lick their own balls either, is it for pleasure or do they lick just to lick? I looked it up because I like to know things. If I accomplish nothing in life, at least I’ll know that I have a ton of useless information. Turns out that dogs don’t smell each others asses to say hello. They do it because, according to this article, their ass gives off a smell in which the smellers can determine the smellees gender, health, and all sorts of other vital information.
Sniff, sniff, whoa that poodle has mono! OR Snnniiiiiiiiffffffffff, mmmm this chow husky mix is definitely packing where it matters most. I actually don’t know how this shit works exactly because I myself am not a dog, no matter HOW many times I am referred to one.
So basically, that initial whiff gives the dog all kinds of useful information. Can you imagine if that shit worked for people? With one big whiff you’d know about someones 401K or past sexcapades gone wrong. While it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to go around smelling peoples asses all day, we do get pretty close.
It’s not called ass sniffing, it’s called online stalking.
Sometimes it can be done without the other person knowing. A lot of people actually put their instagram info on their Tinder profile so you can sniff around without them ever knowing. Some people want to know when you’re sniffing around and have a private account. Why tell everyone where the partys at if you still have to ask to come in? I don’t do either but I will give out the info once I’ve semi started talking to someone and seen that they’re not batshit crazy.
The funny part is when they start liking or commenting on pictures. Now not only have they sniffed but they’ve started sprinkling some pee around. They want you to know they’ve been looking around. I always take this as a cue to go ahead and do the same. That picture you can’t get enough of, go ahead and double tap now.
Other sites such as OkCupid let you know about the ass sniffing as soon as it goes down. The minute someone looks at your profile you get a notification that they’re checking you out. The bad thing is though that it’ll notify the smellee for each time you do it. Like what you see? Well you’d be better off taking a screenshot of someones profile than coming off as extremely creepy for checking out that same profile a few dozen times a day.
Much like how dogs do this to get a better sense of the other dogs, we do this to get a better sense of other people. Maybe before I totally wanted to date a certain guy but after checking out his hundreds of pics of him blackout drunk I might reconsider? Or vice versa. If I was on the fence about somebody, his pictures might sway me in his favor.
As for me, I don’t always have the most flattering pictures of myself on Instagram but if a guy wants to see more of me, then I figure he’ll definitely get a better sense of who I am. While I do have more than 600 pictures on my account, the majority of them aren’t of my face (see: not a selfie whore).
So go ahead people of the world, take a look around and get a nice whiff. If you like what you see, I guess you can pee on me some. Not literally though. Definitely, not literally.
On my inner right forearm I have a tattoo that says “Je suis,” French for I am. At the time I wanted to get something bold, one word that defined me at my core. When I was at the tattoo shop however, I couldn’t come up with anything. I didn’t want to confine myself to one word that word forever brand me and hold me to that definition. So I opted simply for I am, followed by an ellipsis because that’s the only way I can ever properly describe myself, I simply am.
This same line of thinking however, doesn’t quite seem to work for the opposite sex well at least, the guys I encounter.
Having accounts on multiple dating sites at one point or another has required me to expose myself to a large number of people whom would otherwise never have had the delight of critiquing me to their hearts desire.
What I’ve noticed with the people who message me and those who I’ve been on dates with, is that they have this idea of who I’m supposed to be and when I don’t fall into that idea, I’m set aside for someone who does.
Let me explain.
If I’m talking to someone and sex comes up. I’m supposed to act like I don’t want it, but only slightly. If I flat out reject someone, I’m a bitch. But if I tell them no but keep talking to them anyway, I’m saying no when I must mean yes. Fuck you society. If I actually do along with the fact that I’d like to sleep with someone, then I can only go as far as the dude takes it. He can tell me all day long about all the various things he’d like to do to me, as graphic and disturbing as it may be. And I[m supposed to just sit there and be like, “Mmmm yes.” Totally acceptable. The minute I turn around though and follow this dudes lead and say anything without first having been told anything, it’s now gross and too forward and apparently now I’m just thirsty. WTF?
Same thing goes for when I’m supposed to be “sexy.” Let me just say that I have no idea what the hell sexy is even supposed to mean. This last guy I went out with said my nose ring, the rasp in my voice when I get tired, my voice overall, and speaking in Spanish was all sexy. Uhhhh ok. Anyway, when a dude has this impression of me I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to keep it up. Act coy and play hard to get? Isn’t that the image the media portrays? So when I go and act like I normally do, because I figure well being labeled sexy doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’m doing, rather with things that go along with my daily life, the image becomes distorted and now I’m boring, no longer exciting. Again, WTF.
I used to host a sex talk show on some internet radio station. When I tell people this, it’s suddenly implied that I love talking about sex and I have sex on the brain 24/7. Sure, ask me or tell me anything, I don’t mind! Not. For the most part, I don’t. However, it’s not something I want to talk about repeatedly.
These are just a few examples. But the list goes on and on. What is so hard to grasp or comprehend about a person being multifaceted? I have to be innocent, yet sexy. Sexual but not experienced. Smart but not too smart. It’s exhausting trying to fit into someones idea of what they think you should be when you yourself don’t even know what that is. I’m always being myself so when someone is attracted to me I figure I can go on being myself, what’s the difference? Apparently a ton.
I feel like I have to put on a one-man show to keep these peoples attention, “Look at me, look at me!” The minute they glance away, that’s it. Game over, time to set up from the beginning for the next candidate.
Why is it the societal norm for a woman to try to attract the man and get his attention? Why am I supposed to be the one to put on my best behavior to secure a guy? It’s gross and has taught men that if there’s a woman who won’t fit the bill, they can just go right out and find one who does, one who will willingly dance when they tell her to.
I’m over it. I’m tired of trying to figure out what mask I have to hide behind or what persona I have to develop to hold a mans attention. If I have to spend the rest of my life sifting through an endless revolving door of one bed sheet after another simply because I refuse to be a part of the show, so be it.
I’ve stopped caring to erase my Tinder account. It can stay, it’s not the app that bothers me but its users. Some, not all. I’m not giving up on dating, not at all.
I’m just playing by my own rules now.
I am not going to let society in its ringleader role determine who or what I should be.
I am going to take it all at face value.
I don’t think that’s right. It’s probably more like 4th but considering two of those Tuesdays were the same dude, we’ll go with three. Third. Whatever.
I have a thing for 3’s. Well, more like things happening in threes. Third times the charm, etc, etc.
Apparently, I also have a knack for having dates on Tuesdays. Hence the perfect moniker.
So today, these two things have combined and given me three options for tonight’s “date.”
The guy I’d like to date doesn’t seem to feel the same way toward me so I’ve moved on. The minute I’ve got his attention, he seems like the perfect guy but then a minute later, it’s out of sight, out of mind. Instead of waiting around forever and driving myself cuckoo, I’ve decided to play the field. Regardless of whether or not he ever turns into something more, I still win.
I’ve been talking to a new guy for the past couple of weeks, some chef dude, and I told him if I was free I’d come hang out with him tonight. He seems pretty decent, not at all shallow, and I’m assuming can whip up something tasty in the kitchen.
There’s this other guy I’ve sorta been talking to for a few months now. I say sorta because we basically text each other every few weeks and our schedules have never let us meet up. For the past week or two, he’s been popping up more often and really trying to get me to come over and hang with him. This dudes a sponsored athlete and pretty decent as well.
By the way, I don’t know what I mean exactly by pretty decent. I’m sure that should already be implied since I’m talking to them and considering hanging with them. I’d like to think I would pass on anybody less than decent so therefore I shouldn’t have to state that because these guys aren’t douches, they automatically get extra points lol but whatever.
I told the athlete that if my date with the chef didn’t work out, I’d come by. I haven’t even talked to the chef today so I’m not even sure if us hanging was a for sure thing.
And then there’s guy number 3. Whom I’ve already hung out with and slept with twice. I haven’t told him about either possibility but even if I did he wouldn’t care. Hell, I could probably go on either date, have sex, and he still wouldn’t care.
I’m not compelled in either direction more so than any other. I’m perfectly content sitting at home on my laptop or reading. Which is probably why I’m still single in the first place. Meh.
I swear, indifference will be the death of me. At least of my love life. Scratch that, nonexistent love life.
I haven’t had sex since last week, which is when this happened. And I can’t say I’m dying to at the moment. I haven’t been scarred or anything, I just don’t really want to right now. I think for once, I’m going to try and keep it in my pants until I find someone worth dating. Actual dating, not a rando date here and there.
That is of course, unless I end up at guys #3’s house. Then all bets are off.
Or in my case, slow and steady drives me absolutely nuts. I have the patience of a raging bull at a bullfight. I’m ok the first few seconds but after that, it’s all chaos.
It’s funny because I was taking to a guy this morning. Yes, a Tinderfolk. Yes, one I’ve slept with. We’ve kept in touch and just share our war stories at this point. Anyway, I was telling him about my patience and the first thing he says is, “That’s funny. You seem super chill and laid back.”
And for the most part, I am. Until something with potential comes along. Be it a job, an amazing opportunity, a travel adventure, or in this case, a man.
We’ve already determined the uncertainty I was feeling and I can say it’s still there. Not as strong as before, but definitely still there. I really like this new guy and it seems like he likes me too. But OH EM GEE is everything going at a freaking snails pace. I am SO not used to this.
We’ve seen each other three times now. Much better than any other Tinderfolk and probably a hell of a lot better than dudes I meet in real life as well. Here’s the thing though, we didn’t even kiss until the last time we saw each other. Yeah there was sex too but up until then, there hadn’t been anything else. I’m fine with that, that’s great that I’m weighing more than just this guys dick size.
But here’s where my patience starts to run thin. We don’t talk daily. And when we do talk, it’s real basic. I’m not expecting an effing biography every time we text but it doesn’t help me at all in knowing what the hells going on.
Although it may seem like anything but, I’m actually very monogamous when I need to be. Well, 99.9% of the time. I don’t like starting anything new while I still have pending sexcapades, just not my style. So when I see potential in someone or something, I slowly start to rid myself of the excess guys and sex.
So I’ve done that.
Ok, well there’s one guy that still texts me a bit but it’s real basic stuff, no sexytalk or leading him on. Besides, I think he has an idea that I’ve got something else going on anyway, we just haven’t gone in to details.
Anyway, so no more Tinderfolk. No more Tinder. For me anyway. He still has his account. Yes, yes, I know. All bad. But you can’t expect someone to shut it down just because you guys have had sex. I keep erasing my account because the people that decide to message me are complete idiots.
So here’s my dilemma. This in between stage is where I start to get antsy. Why did I get rid of all my Tinderfolk if it wasn’t bothering anyone? I’m single so does it really matter who I’m sleeping with so long as I’m being safe? Even then, if I decided to have unprotected sex, whose business is it but my own? But then again, I don’t want to be an asshole and then tell some guy I’ve been sleeping with that I’m suddenly seeing someone, or vice versa.
It’s not the not-knowing that gets to me. It’s having to keep it in my pants that does. Anyhow, I’ve decided that I’m not going to stir the pot and I’m just going to let things be. Everything will figure itself out eventually anyway. In the meantime I just wont go out of my way to see any new bed sheets.
Fact. Cuddling is bad for you. Fact. I will avoid this shit like the plague. Fact. I gave in and now I’m fucked.
So I think it’s safe to assume that I’ve slept with a lot of people. Somewhere along the way, I managed to learn how to separate sex and emotion. Sex feels good for me physically, yet it does nothing for me emotionally. 99.9% of the time.
Because I don’t see sex as anything more than just a quick release, I don’t see the point in sticking around after. Seriously. The minute it’s over, I’m pulling my clothes back on and am heading out the door. The only times I’ve managed to stay is when I pass out after. That usually ends with me waking up at some god forsaken hour and getting the hell outta dodge. The latest I’ve ever made it home was around 7 am and I was serioulsy freaking out because I made it home after the sun was up lol. I like to take off anywhere between 4 and 6 a.m. or like I said, as soon as it’s over.
Some guys like to cuddle. Kudos. But honestly, there’s only been one guy I’ve made the exception for and stuck around but even then as soon as he’d pass out I’d leave.
Here’s the thing, I’m not some robot. I actually love the intimacy that comes with cuddling. I don’t however like being intimate with people I feel nothing for. It’s just awkward and forced and makes me really uncomfortable.
Yes I realize how ridiculous that is. Sure you can stick your dick in me but placing your arm around me is where I draw the line buddy!
So this weekend when I spent the night at (insert boys name here) house it was obvious that we’d be cuddling at some point. I like him, I’d like to continue dating him so naturally I don’t mind. I’m mentally prepared. So I think.
Again, the sex was amazing. Just all over satisfaction over every inch of my body.
Now comes after.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been in bed with someone I saw as more than just a means to an end. I had forgotten what it was like. My body however, soaked that shit right up. No matter how mentally prepared I was, it didn’t matter because my bodys needs took over. My body yearned to touch and to be touched in the most intimate of ways. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. And I don’t mean sexually at all. I constantly was touching this body next to me.
His broad back, his round shoulders, his toned biceps, his fuzzy chest, his lightly sprinkled gray hair, his face, his soft lips, his strong thighs. All of it. I drank that shit up and boy was it good. The entire night I made it a point to have some sort of contact with his body. I couldn’t stop myself.
I realize that I’m fucked. I knew that within days of meeting this guy. I knew then that this guy was bad news for me and I know now just how bad.
Goodbye sanity, it’s been nice having you around.