Posts Tagged With: fail

Chastity belt it is

After yesterdays post I wldecided I shouldnt be such a hermit and make an effort to get out there.

Hahahahahahahaha jk.

More like I’d been drinking and suddenly got horny so I texted anyone & everyone.

The poet ended up being the first to respond and the first available to hang out so he won.  Although won is probably the wrong word.

I havent talked to him much these past couple of months. In reality, I actually dumped him for Carlsbad. I even told him so. Why he’d agree to come out, I dont know. The minute he showed up I started making out with him, totally unconcerned with the idea that he may not even want to or could possibly be seeing someone. He came out right? So what difference did it make.

After a bit, we left and I course left with him.

This dude does not sleep. Like ever. It can be 4 am and it doesnt faze him. Me on the other hand, lets just say I usually go to bed by 10:30. Exciting, I know.

We end up at the beach and he starts giving me a massage. Rubbing my neck, my back, and allllllll over. So of course, I did what any other person in my situation would do.

I fell asleep.

Yup. Totally passed out. Not once, but multiple times. I dont even know how long I was out for. When I did finally come to after my micro nap, I figured we should have sex or at least mess around since thats what I wanted in the first place.

Now this dude starts massaging my legs, up and down my thighs. I start squirming because of the proximity to my vajayjay. Thinking hes going to move in closer, I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally I decide to take matters in to my own hands and politely tell him Id like to sit on his dick. That should do the trick right?

Clothes come off, condom is prepped, penis is out annnnnnnnnnd penis goes down.

No sex.

This is the second time this month Ive attempted to have sex with someone and they just werent feeling it. There’s nothing quite as spirit lifting as a limp dick. Id even dare to say its the best feeling in the world!

Not.

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Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Anatomy of a date

3 hours before

Ugh. I have to start getting ready soon. Do I haaaaaaave to go? I’d really rather just stay here and watch another 10 episodes of Botched. What if I just pretend I forgot?

Incoming text:

Are we still on? Looking forward to seeing you! – Guy

“Me too!!”

Gag. I guess I really have to go now.

2 hours before

How do I really *need* to shave? Can I just pretend I went straight from an errand? It’s not like we’re not going to have sex because of it. Oooh sex!

15 minutes before

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! WHAT IF HE’S CRAZY?! WHAT IF HE’S UGLY! OH GOD, WHAT IF HE HAS HORRIBLE TEETH OR A FUNNY ACCENT?! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK *makes sure I packed a condom* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

5 minutes in

Holy shit, he’s really cute. Like way cuter than I expected! No funny accent, horrible teeth, or signs of being a total nutcase. Why’d I get so worked up?

30 minutes in

Wow, he’s really smart! And funny. I’m not even pretending to laugh, I’m actually laughing. Geeze, and he’s SO cute! Go, me!

1 hour in

Is he STILL talking about the same story? Ugh, my cheeks are starting to hurt from holding this fake ass smile. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SHUT UP?! *pretends to text* *nods enthusiastically* *checks time* I should really leave soon. Like first break in the conversation. Ugh. We didn’t even makeout. Hmm. I do have that condom. And it’d be a shame to put it to waste. Just how much effort would I have to put in to make this happen? *feigns laugh* ok, fine! 30 more minutes and Im out of here.

90 minutes in

God, this guy is SO weird. No wonder he’s online! I’m sooooo bored.

I should really get going now. I have to be up super early tomorrow. 

Ok, fuck it. I’m going for it. If anything I can make it seem like it was his idea and at the very least get a good finger fuck out of this. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll go down on me?

10 minutes later

FINALLY! FUCK YES! SO GLAD I STUCK AROUND! OOOH YEAH, RIGHT THERE, THAT’S THE SPOT, HOLY SHIT i’M ABOUT TO CUM!

10 minutes later

God, when is this guy going to finish. He’s even weirder than I thought! No need to walk me out. Just finish and I’ll be on my merry way.

End of date

That wasn’t so bad. I can totally see myself dating this dude.

Let’s hang out tomorrow! – Guy

For sure!! 


 

Welcome to my fucking life. 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Whoops

That moment when you go through your purse at work and realize the pantyhose from last nights sexcapades are still in there.

Facepalm

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Note to self

You may want to figure out how to competently use an app before attempting to send nudes.

I don’t know if I just sent all my contacts on Snapchat a picture of my boobs.

Whoops. 

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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