Posts Tagged With: Forever Alone

Bipolar express

I obviously don’t know what the hell I want and can’t make up my mind.

I signed up for OkCupid & Match. Since I did I’ve probably cared to check my profile about 2-3 times. I’ve responded to my messages just so my account would state I actually responded.

But the truth is, I couldn’t care less about these people and I’ve no interest in meeting any of them.

Too much effort. That and I still think meeting ppl online is beyond weird.

When and where can I get my spinster starter kit?


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Forever a booty call

One guy won’t stop snapchatting me pictures of his dick.

Another texts/calls me at least 2-3 times a week anytime between 12 am- 7 am, and no, he does not work graveyard.

And of course, we all know about Carlsbad,  Mr. Hit It & Quit It in the flesh.


I’d rather stab my eyes out with a dildo than go through another year of this nonsense. Hell, another couple months.

I’m not trying to settle down and Im definitely not expecting anyone to come and sweep me off my feet. But is it that hard to find someone to actually have a conversation with. Fuck your past, I aint tryna get to know all of your secrets and act like I know you better than everyone else. I’m just trying to hold a conversation that stimulates my mind past the usual “ooga booga.”

Le sigh.

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Recycling sex partners

Why is it that men always find a way back into my life. If you stopped talking to me once, why am I supposed to believe you’ve changed your mind and come to your senses and now would like to be in my life?

I see right through you. You want to have sex with me. Your random texts aren’t going to convince me that you’re intetested in more than just sex, I know that’s all you want. I wasn’t born yesterday.

How hard is it for someone to just come out and say it.

“We should catch up!”
“I miss you. Send me a picture so I can see your beautiful face.”
“I miss our intellectual conversations, we should hang out again!”
“I remember having so much fun the last time we hung out, let’s meet up!”

All of that basically means = I’ll be nice so you can hang out with me. Then we can have sex. Then I will remember how “busy” I am and ignore you all over again.

Yes, I realize that so long as I let these dumbasses back in my life, theyre going to keep doing it. Over and over again.

See: Carlsbad.

Thanks to Tinder, I’ve recently encountered a guy I slept with 3 years ago. Of course he wants to hang out. Of course he wants to have sex.


I’m still pretty much over sex at this point so if Im going to have any, Id rather have sex with someone Ive slept with before instead of jacking up my numbers.

I have no interest in doing so though.

Hans Solo has been messaging me for about 2-3 weeks now. I have no interest in seeing him.

Tinder rekindling has been messaging me for about 2 weeks now too. I also have no interest in seeing him.

Carlsbad has now stopped messaging me. He got what he wanted. We had sex and I sucked his dick about 3 times in our 1 sleepover. He should be good for a few weeks. Im sure he’ll reach out again soon to tell me how much he “misses” me.

I could make plans with these boys and then never show. Once I start getting calls and texts asking me where I am, I can stay silent. After standing them up I can then ask them how they like being on the receiving end of silence.

But Im not 12 and I dont need to do anything that low. Im not vindictive and I dont hold grudges.

I guess I can just give them the courtesy they never gave me and simply tell them, Im not interested.

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My Kryptonite

I think at one point in life everyone has that one person that is so completely wrong for them, they know it but plow on anyway.

That person for me is Carlsbad. From the moment I met him, I knew he was bad news for me. And time and time and time again he’s done nothing but prove to me just how wrong.

What do we do when it doesnt work out? Give it a few weeks and try again only to fail miserably and restart the cycle all over again. This has happened at least 5 times already.

I can’t stay away from him.

Actually, correction. I do just fine staying away from him, in fact I do much better at it then he does. But the minute he pops back up in my life, I drop everything for the 2 seconds of attention hes going to give me.

Things start off smoothly enough and only take days before he starts ghosting again. Does he have a girlfriend? Probably. Is he seeing other women? I wouldnt doubt it. Is he using me just for sex? I dont see why he wouldnt. Is he ever going to knock it off? Most definitely not.
It drives me absolutely insane that he does it and it makes me sick to know that all of my beliefs and morals go out the window the minute he comes around. I become “that” girl. The one who will do anything, no questions asked, just to keep him around or interested.

Each of the times Ive seen him last has been with the intention of cutting him loose and bidding him adieu. But the minute I see him, I melt. My brain turns to mush, butterflies invade every cavity of my being, my serotonin levels shoot through the roof, and I suddenly dont care. If all I can get of him is a few hours or one night, then Ill take what I can get. And its not enough being around him, I have to touch him and be near him. I feel the energy radiating from his body and I need to connect. My body needs to be connected to his if even in the lightest touch.

I know in an earlier post I had talked about needing to consume his entire being and thats the only way I can describe it. This feeling within me is suddenly bigger than my feelings or my understanding. Lying in bed next to him its like the carnal desire takes over and I just have to touch him and hold on to him. It definitely isnt lust and Im the last person to cuddle or show any form of PDA such as handholding or hugging. But something in me takes over. I have to run my fingers over his entire body, his shoulders, his biceps, his chest, his ears, his hair, his lips, his thighs, everything!

I hate it.

I hate all of it.

Because I know this is temporary, because I know it will never work, but mostly because I know that it could have been great.

Amazingly great.

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Chastity belt it is

After yesterdays post I wldecided I shouldnt be such a hermit and make an effort to get out there.

Hahahahahahahaha jk.

More like I’d been drinking and suddenly got horny so I texted anyone & everyone.

The poet ended up being the first to respond and the first available to hang out so he won.  Although won is probably the wrong word.

I havent talked to him much these past couple of months. In reality, I actually dumped him for Carlsbad. I even told him so. Why he’d agree to come out, I dont know. The minute he showed up I started making out with him, totally unconcerned with the idea that he may not even want to or could possibly be seeing someone. He came out right? So what difference did it make.

After a bit, we left and I course left with him.

This dude does not sleep. Like ever. It can be 4 am and it doesnt faze him. Me on the other hand, lets just say I usually go to bed by 10:30. Exciting, I know.

We end up at the beach and he starts giving me a massage. Rubbing my neck, my back, and allllllll over. So of course, I did what any other person in my situation would do.

I fell asleep.

Yup. Totally passed out. Not once, but multiple times. I dont even know how long I was out for. When I did finally come to after my micro nap, I figured we should have sex or at least mess around since thats what I wanted in the first place.

Now this dude starts massaging my legs, up and down my thighs. I start squirming because of the proximity to my vajayjay. Thinking hes going to move in closer, I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally I decide to take matters in to my own hands and politely tell him Id like to sit on his dick. That should do the trick right?

Clothes come off, condom is prepped, penis is out annnnnnnnnnd penis goes down.

No sex.

This is the second time this month Ive attempted to have sex with someone and they just werent feeling it. There’s nothing quite as spirit lifting as a limp dick. Id even dare to say its the best feeling in the world!


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If you read that last post and have been following me at all, youll notice that I said I saw Carlsbad.

Not a typo. Totally did.

Cant tell you how or why it happened, just did.

At this point Ive given up pretending I have any control over my life and have accepted that the universe is going to do with me what it will.

I aint even mad.

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Cue the tumbleweed

Sooooo if I dont have sex or talk to a million dudes at once, what am I supposed to write about?

The sexcapades need to continue!



Hahahaha that lasted all of 2 seconds.

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Im human too. So sue me.

I just spent the better half of my evening wallowing in sadness and crying.

Why, I dont know.

Dont feed me that bullshit of it having to do with my gender or mensies because its neither and it absolutrly drives me nuts to hear people regard women as nothing more than bleeding, emotional messes.

Ive been thinking about Carlsbad and the truth is I miss him. Or the idea of him. Whatever it was.

Im tired of jumping from bed to bed and from nameless face to nameless face. Ive been doing this for years and its disheartening.

Is my promiscuity going to lead me down a path of solitude for the rest of my life? The more time that passes and the more horrible dates I go on, I cant help but think that its near impossible. The odds of two people meeting and genuinely sharing the same interests and developing similar feelings toward each other sounds out of this world. This isnt The Hunger Games and the odds are definitely not in my favor.

Im not lonely but I just get tired of this lifestyle. How hard can it be to find someone?! Theres 7 billion people in this world and I cant even find one?! C’mon!

I know I should be patient… one day… one day… uggggggh Ill probably be dead before “one day” even rolls around.

Anywhoo. Ill end my rant here. No use in crying over spilled milk.

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Anatomy of a date

3 hours before

Ugh. I have to start getting ready soon. Do I haaaaaaave to go? I’d really rather just stay here and watch another 10 episodes of Botched. What if I just pretend I forgot?

Incoming text:

Are we still on? Looking forward to seeing you! – Guy

“Me too!!”

Gag. I guess I really have to go now.

2 hours before

How do I really *need* to shave? Can I just pretend I went straight from an errand? It’s not like we’re not going to have sex because of it. Oooh sex!

15 minutes before


5 minutes in

Holy shit, he’s really cute. Like way cuter than I expected! No funny accent, horrible teeth, or signs of being a total nutcase. Why’d I get so worked up?

30 minutes in

Wow, he’s really smart! And funny. I’m not even pretending to laugh, I’m actually laughing. Geeze, and he’s SO cute! Go, me!

1 hour in

Is he STILL talking about the same story? Ugh, my cheeks are starting to hurt from holding this fake ass smile. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SHUT UP?! *pretends to text* *nods enthusiastically* *checks time* I should really leave soon. Like first break in the conversation. Ugh. We didn’t even makeout. Hmm. I do have that condom. And it’d be a shame to put it to waste. Just how much effort would I have to put in to make this happen? *feigns laugh* ok, fine! 30 more minutes and Im out of here.

90 minutes in

God, this guy is SO weird. No wonder he’s online! I’m sooooo bored.

I should really get going now. I have to be up super early tomorrow. 

Ok, fuck it. I’m going for it. If anything I can make it seem like it was his idea and at the very least get a good finger fuck out of this. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll go down on me?

10 minutes later


10 minutes later

God, when is this guy going to finish. He’s even weirder than I thought! No need to walk me out. Just finish and I’ll be on my merry way.

End of date

That wasn’t so bad. I can totally see myself dating this dude.

Let’s hang out tomorrow! – Guy

For sure!! 


Welcome to my fucking life. 






Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thou shalt not sext

Hahahaha kidding!

So it’s been about a week and a half now of me being on my best behavior. Go me! And we’ve hit our first hiccup. I haven’t heard from Carlsbad in about a day and a half.

Hold the phone. Before you jump to any conclusions let me first state that I am not one to cling. I don’t need to talk to him every day and I sure as hell can go a lot longer without talking to him.

However, I did text him as we usually do and my texts went ignored.

Not cool.

Carlsbad has a habit of disappearing for days at a time only to later reappear as if nothing happened. Does he have a bunch of side chicks or some gay affair? Probably. Do I care? Not at the moment. Whatevs.

This time around instead of getting mad about it though, I’ve decided to let him be. He’s the one that came to me telling me he wanted to try, so if this is him trying I can tell you it’s not going to get him very far.

Anyway, because I’m still single I can still do whatever the hell I want, right?

So yesterday when I got the cold shoulder I figured I’d go to my trusty Tinderfolk. Started off simple enough, they both told me how much they’ve missed me. Of course, the poet has a way with words so his compliments always sound like mini love poems haha. But like I said, it started off ok. Quickly enough, I remembered whhhhhy I had already decided before Carlsbad showed up, why I wasn’t considering taking things further with these dudes.


Dammit, now I’m gonna have to figure out how to get rid of these dudes a second time. The poet will keep texting me and when I don’t respond will start sending repeated texts or emojis until I respond. The navy guy is out of town and is already making plans to see me the minute he gets back. As if that wasn’t enough, now I’m getting his dick pics along with “what are you doing” texts every 30 minutes.


Next time I feel like I need an ego boost, I’ll just sit in front of the mirror lmao.

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