Posts Tagged With: hit it and quit it

Forever a booty call

One guy won’t stop snapchatting me pictures of his dick.

Another texts/calls me at least 2-3 times a week anytime between 12 am- 7 am, and no, he does not work graveyard.

And of course, we all know about Carlsbad,  Mr. Hit It & Quit It in the flesh.

*Yawn*

I’d rather stab my eyes out with a dildo than go through another year of this nonsense. Hell, another couple months.

I’m not trying to settle down and Im definitely not expecting anyone to come and sweep me off my feet. But is it that hard to find someone to actually have a conversation with. Fuck your past, I aint tryna get to know all of your secrets and act like I know you better than everyone else. I’m just trying to hold a conversation that stimulates my mind past the usual “ooga booga.”

Le sigh.

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Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Anatomy of a date

3 hours before

Ugh. I have to start getting ready soon. Do I haaaaaaave to go? I’d really rather just stay here and watch another 10 episodes of Botched. What if I just pretend I forgot?

Incoming text:

Are we still on? Looking forward to seeing you! – Guy

“Me too!!”

Gag. I guess I really have to go now.

2 hours before

How do I really *need* to shave? Can I just pretend I went straight from an errand? It’s not like we’re not going to have sex because of it. Oooh sex!

15 minutes before

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! WHAT IF HE’S CRAZY?! WHAT IF HE’S UGLY! OH GOD, WHAT IF HE HAS HORRIBLE TEETH OR A FUNNY ACCENT?! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK *makes sure I packed a condom* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

5 minutes in

Holy shit, he’s really cute. Like way cuter than I expected! No funny accent, horrible teeth, or signs of being a total nutcase. Why’d I get so worked up?

30 minutes in

Wow, he’s really smart! And funny. I’m not even pretending to laugh, I’m actually laughing. Geeze, and he’s SO cute! Go, me!

1 hour in

Is he STILL talking about the same story? Ugh, my cheeks are starting to hurt from holding this fake ass smile. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SHUT UP?! *pretends to text* *nods enthusiastically* *checks time* I should really leave soon. Like first break in the conversation. Ugh. We didn’t even makeout. Hmm. I do have that condom. And it’d be a shame to put it to waste. Just how much effort would I have to put in to make this happen? *feigns laugh* ok, fine! 30 more minutes and Im out of here.

90 minutes in

God, this guy is SO weird. No wonder he’s online! I’m sooooo bored.

I should really get going now. I have to be up super early tomorrow. 

Ok, fuck it. I’m going for it. If anything I can make it seem like it was his idea and at the very least get a good finger fuck out of this. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll go down on me?

10 minutes later

FINALLY! FUCK YES! SO GLAD I STUCK AROUND! OOOH YEAH, RIGHT THERE, THAT’S THE SPOT, HOLY SHIT i’M ABOUT TO CUM!

10 minutes later

God, when is this guy going to finish. He’s even weirder than I thought! No need to walk me out. Just finish and I’ll be on my merry way.

End of date

That wasn’t so bad. I can totally see myself dating this dude.

Let’s hang out tomorrow! – Guy

For sure!! 


 

Welcome to my fucking life. 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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