Posts Tagged With: life

Let love in

Growing up my mom would always tell me, “Déjate querer.” Coming from my mother I always understood it to mean that I should let myself be sought after, that any body that wanted my affection should work for it, I shouldn’t give it so freely. And coming from her background, I know that’s how she meant it.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that this isn’t the meaning that holds true for my life.

As many words have multiple meanings, this saying also has multiple meanings.

Querer literally means to want something. Quiero esa manzana: I want that apple. But it is also a way of expressing your love. Te quiero: I love you.

When I hear “Déjate querer” I don’t hear my mothers advice of playing hard to get, I hear what the universe needs me to hear, and that’s to let myself be loved.

Until recently, I didn’t realize this was an issue for me. When I love, I love completely and I have no need to hold it back. But letting myself be loved is a whole other issue. I sabatoge myself, push people away, and become extremely guarded when any sort of interest sparks. When did I start doing this? I have no effing idea. Why? I haven’t the slightest clue.

I’m not much of a social butterfly anymore so I often wonder how Im supposed to meet people. If I’m out and a guy approaches me, I immediately shut him down. When I was online and a guy messaged me, I was counting down the seconds till he showed that he was only interested in sex or was uber creepy. I look for flaws to justify why they’re still single. I know why I’m single but what about you? Why are you so horrible that you’re available?

I’m not making it very easy I suppose.

Last night I met a friends new beau/current love interest. They met 2 weeks ago. Online. He came to a work-related event, met all her friends, made an effort to hang with them all after, and made plans for their attendance at another upcoming (see: October) work-related event. Not once did I think any of it was feigned or that he was creepy.

My co-worker (yes, the one I drunkenly had sex with. A few times. Because adults can totally do that and be cool and not weird and still be friends) met his girlfriend online. (Actually, I have yet to confirm but I’m about 99.9% positive this is how it happened). She moved here, met him about a week later, started calling him her boyfriend about a month in, and is now living with him. This is all within a matter of months (they met in late Sept.). While things may have happened a bit untraditionally for them, they both love each other and are making it work.

I’m not envious of either situation, I’m happy for both of them.

As I said in my previous post, I truly am happy and am totally fine with being single.

I’ve stopped having any form of communication with any guy I knew was just interested in hooking up. Not because I’m a prude but I’m just not interested. Why string them along when I know I won’t be crawling into any of their beds anytime soon?

When I look at my friends and their significant others, I dont yearn for a relationship, for someone to carry on my arm and proudly show off like some trophy. What I yearn for is to have someone to share something with. Be it experiences, success, or just a funny gif. Part of the excitement of new relationships is getting to know the other person.

Everything with me is either 0 or 100 but right now I think all I want is something smack in the middle. No random sexcapades but no commitments either.

I can’t expect for things to just happen on their own so short of me going up to random guys and asking if they’d be interested in getting to know me, I guess I’ll just have to go back online. And maybe actually stay online this time. I think maybe the longest I’ve had a profile up is about 3 weeks.

Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t but either way I could use the practice.  Maybe this will be the year that I learn to let love in.

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Are you happy?

As humans we have somehow learned to always feel like we are missing something. The grass is always greener on the other side and there’s always something better out there for us.

Is this a universal thing or belonging solely to the land of the free and home of the brave?

I once congratulated a friend who had recently gotten married by telling him I was happy he had settled down. He rejected my message and told me he refused to say he has settled because it demoted his wife from the amazing being she is to nothing more than a runner-up.

When we ask people if they’re happy we don’t do it expecting them to say yes, we ask because we’re certain that they’re not and we just want to hear them say it out loud. When did we learn that happiness was simply unattainable?

Because of my age and my singleness, I constantly am seen as unhappy. As if my level of happiness can only rise so high on my own, I couldn’t possibly level up until I have a partner.

I have learned over the years that you can’t rely on anyone to bring you happiness, it has to come from within.

Am I totally single? Yes.
Am I going to keep being single? Probably for a while.
Am I happy? Hell yes!

More than happy, I am content, my own constant state of peaceful happiness. I am totally and completely satisfied with every area my life. I may not be exactly where I’d like but there’s no need to stress about it because I know I’m working to get there.

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My body, my responsibility

Currently chillin at the gynos office waiting to get implanted.

Haha

Even though Im not regularly having sex and I dont think the few times I do merit a daily dosing of hormones into my body, I guess I might as well.

Heres to hoping Implanon doesnt give me a bionic arm.

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Thrice as nice

I am now officially 30 and I am still single. No kids, no significant other, no baby daddy/baby mama drama.

Im single and Im not married or dating and I couldnt care less.

Can we all just take a minute to applaud and recognize this feat of not feeding yet another stereotype.

*begins slow clap*

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Life

I know I used to post so much more on here and I was probably a bajillion times more interesting.

My apologies.

Aside from the now two times Ive slept with my coworker (unprotected I might mention. Yikes!) I havent dated or slept with anyone in quite some time.

I tried Tinder again last night. That lasted for all of 5 minutes. Im so much more interested in meeting someone and doing absolutely nothing with them much more so than randomly hooking up with anyone.

I didnt think “Hey, lets hang out and NOT have sex” would attract a whole lot of attention so I promptly deleted my account.

The same dude that insulted me last week (see previous post) also was kind enough to tell me that I was 29 and still single and that it was all my fault. I had to take responsibility for the douches in my life and for the fact that they were douchey toward me. Yup. Carlsbad now making his 6th appearance in my life to tell me he misses me only to dissappear 3 weeks later?

Totally my fault.

Yes, I am aware that because I allow this ridiculous behavior, he continues doing it. For that I will take ownership. But for his shitty attitude in general? Not my doing.

If I need to take responsibility for my love life, so be it.

Im single as fuck and totally ok with it. Impending doom need not apply.

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What’s your body type?

Real women have curves.

Bullshit.

Society has drilled this idea into our minds that a “real” woman has an hourglass shaped body.  Not because it makes her a better wife, not because it helps her with motherhood, and definitely not because it enables her to unlock all the secrets about being a woman. It just is more pleasing on the eyes to men.

All my life, I’ve been curvy. My hips, breasts, and ass all showed up around the same time and I was much too young to deal with it.

While society showcases women with curves as beautiful it then turns around and shames women for their sexualized bodies.

I remember being 9 and already having to deal with catcalls. The men on the street didnt recognize my prepubescent face as something that if they acted upon would lead them to years and years of prison but instead, they saw curves and assumed I was a woman. They assumed that because these curves were on display I was seeking out this attention and they were merely giving me what I desired.

Two decades later and I still feel the same thing I felt then: shame. I feel shamed for something I have absolutely no control over.

In the past couple of years Ive put on some weight and as a result, the catcalls have faded out. I still get them but not at all at the same frequency as before. Even with the extra weight, the curves are still there. And depending on what Im wearing, they are sometimes completely impossible to ignore.

While Ive been working on self acceptance and self love these past couple of years, I still admit that at times I feel that shame and because of it, I hate my body.

Thats a strong statement. Let me rephrase. I dobt hate my body. Curves aside, my body is a direct result of what Ive done to it. What I feed my body and how I take care of it is on display for everyone to view every single day. I cant hate something Im solely responsible for. What I do hate is how society makes me feel about my body.

I cant help the way clothes fits my body. I can wear the exact same sundress as another slightly less curvy woman. It can fit us loose in all the same areas. Yet what looks “cute” on her suddenly becomes “sensual” on me. Someone with absolutely no curves can wear something so short it just barely covers her underwear and its ok, yet I can wear something that goes to my knees and maybe just a bit snug, and all eyes are on me.

It could be that the woman without curves feels the same way but because Ive not been in her situation before, I wouldnt know.

In addition to going up a few sizes on my own, Ive recently began buying clothes a size bigger intentionally so that it wouldnt fit as snug. Nope, still hugs me the same way.

Last weekend I was actually scolded for dressing the way I do. I was told I was a bitch because I dressed that way on purpose just so I could get the attention and act like I was too good to talk to anyone.

Im sorry, what?!

Its been an ongoing struggle of mine recently as I try to dress appropriately without making it seem like Im asking for attention. Sorry people, but they dont make burlap sacks in my size.

I guess there really isnt a point to this post, I just needed to vent.

Society please stop hypersexualizing curvy women. My curves have no indication on my sex life (or lack thereof). Id really like to just dress however Id like without the horrible, dirty feeling of shame creeping all over my body.

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Good intentions

I had sex with my coworker this week. The same one I kissed at a mutual coworkers party. And the same one I spent a work weekend away with and tried sucking face with every chance I got.

A few months back I had decided I was done with random sex and was gonna be celibate for a bit. After spending a day on our own ans nothing happening, I figured we were good and could behave ourselves. Im totally ok with just making out.

I invited myself along for sushi with him this week. I also told him Id prob try making out with him again. He gave me his address and told me to come on by. After a few rounds of sake we went back to his place where we filled up on some bubbly and wine. At some point it was decided I couldnt drive and I was going to stay the night. I didnt want to sleep in jeans and his shorts werent gng to fit me so I asked if it was cool if I slept in my undies.

I wasnt coyly trying to seduce him, I was trying to be comfortable.

That lasted all of 5 minutes because off came my underwear. As I sat there sans undies I said it wasnt fair that I was the only one without underwear so off came his.

Im sure I dont have to tell you what happened next. I can honestly sit here and say I didnt see it coming. I wasnt against it happening and I definitely dont regret it.

It was nice. Real nice. Just thinking about it makes me want to bury his face between my thighs again.

I tried sneaking out at 6 so I could go home and shower before work. I had gotten dressed and gathered all my things without waking him so you can imagine my startling surprise when I heard “Bye” as I tried turning the door handle.

We both made it to work ok and managed to get through the week without anyone knowing and without any awkwardness.

We’re gng away on another work trip this coming weekend with 2 other coworkers. One who knows we’ve made out and is conpletely obsessed with him and another who works directly with him and hasnt the slightest idea.

This should be interesting.

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Ghosted

Just came across an article on Jezebel about online dating and in the comments came across the term “ghosted.”

Not just once, but in various messages.

Turns out this shit is a lot more common than I had thought. People just disappear.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.

Having too many options can actually lead ppl to be more indecisive. I get it, I totally do. Ppl always seem to have one foot out the door just waiting for the newest shiny thing, only to do it again and again and again.

Fellow ghosted recipients, lemme break it down for you right quick, THEY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Theyve got options but guess what, so do you. Keep swiping away to your hearts content.

Nexxxxxxxxt.

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And just like that, I lost

Never try to get involved with a guy who is recently single or has history with his ex.

You’re never going to win him over, no matter how authentic it seems.

The minute she comes back into the picture, he’s gone. No explanation, no note no sign that he was ever there to begin with.

I don’t blame the exes. Hell, I’d want someone to drop everything for me too. Just know, as an outsider, it’s not your place and no matter what you do, you’ll never win.

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Chastity belt it is

After yesterdays post I wldecided I shouldnt be such a hermit and make an effort to get out there.

Hahahahahahahaha jk.

More like I’d been drinking and suddenly got horny so I texted anyone & everyone.

The poet ended up being the first to respond and the first available to hang out so he won.  Although won is probably the wrong word.

I havent talked to him much these past couple of months. In reality, I actually dumped him for Carlsbad. I even told him so. Why he’d agree to come out, I dont know. The minute he showed up I started making out with him, totally unconcerned with the idea that he may not even want to or could possibly be seeing someone. He came out right? So what difference did it make.

After a bit, we left and I course left with him.

This dude does not sleep. Like ever. It can be 4 am and it doesnt faze him. Me on the other hand, lets just say I usually go to bed by 10:30. Exciting, I know.

We end up at the beach and he starts giving me a massage. Rubbing my neck, my back, and allllllll over. So of course, I did what any other person in my situation would do.

I fell asleep.

Yup. Totally passed out. Not once, but multiple times. I dont even know how long I was out for. When I did finally come to after my micro nap, I figured we should have sex or at least mess around since thats what I wanted in the first place.

Now this dude starts massaging my legs, up and down my thighs. I start squirming because of the proximity to my vajayjay. Thinking hes going to move in closer, I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally I decide to take matters in to my own hands and politely tell him Id like to sit on his dick. That should do the trick right?

Clothes come off, condom is prepped, penis is out annnnnnnnnnd penis goes down.

No sex.

This is the second time this month Ive attempted to have sex with someone and they just werent feeling it. There’s nothing quite as spirit lifting as a limp dick. Id even dare to say its the best feeling in the world!

Not.

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