Posts Tagged With: Love

Bipolar express

I obviously don’t know what the hell I want and can’t make up my mind.

I signed up for OkCupid & Match. Since I did I’ve probably cared to check my profile about 2-3 times. I’ve responded to my messages just so my account would state I actually responded.

But the truth is, I couldn’t care less about these people and I’ve no interest in meeting any of them.

Too much effort. That and I still think meeting ppl online is beyond weird.

When and where can I get my spinster starter kit?

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Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Let love in

Growing up my mom would always tell me, “Déjate querer.” Coming from my mother I always understood it to mean that I should let myself be sought after, that any body that wanted my affection should work for it, I shouldn’t give it so freely. And coming from her background, I know that’s how she meant it.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that this isn’t the meaning that holds true for my life.

As many words have multiple meanings, this saying also has multiple meanings.

Querer literally means to want something. Quiero esa manzana: I want that apple. But it is also a way of expressing your love. Te quiero: I love you.

When I hear “Déjate querer” I don’t hear my mothers advice of playing hard to get, I hear what the universe needs me to hear, and that’s to let myself be loved.

Until recently, I didn’t realize this was an issue for me. When I love, I love completely and I have no need to hold it back. But letting myself be loved is a whole other issue. I sabatoge myself, push people away, and become extremely guarded when any sort of interest sparks. When did I start doing this? I have no effing idea. Why? I haven’t the slightest clue.

I’m not much of a social butterfly anymore so I often wonder how Im supposed to meet people. If I’m out and a guy approaches me, I immediately shut him down. When I was online and a guy messaged me, I was counting down the seconds till he showed that he was only interested in sex or was uber creepy. I look for flaws to justify why they’re still single. I know why I’m single but what about you? Why are you so horrible that you’re available?

I’m not making it very easy I suppose.

Last night I met a friends new beau/current love interest. They met 2 weeks ago. Online. He came to a work-related event, met all her friends, made an effort to hang with them all after, and made plans for their attendance at another upcoming (see: October) work-related event. Not once did I think any of it was feigned or that he was creepy.

My co-worker (yes, the one I drunkenly had sex with. A few times. Because adults can totally do that and be cool and not weird and still be friends) met his girlfriend online. (Actually, I have yet to confirm but I’m about 99.9% positive this is how it happened). She moved here, met him about a week later, started calling him her boyfriend about a month in, and is now living with him. This is all within a matter of months (they met in late Sept.). While things may have happened a bit untraditionally for them, they both love each other and are making it work.

I’m not envious of either situation, I’m happy for both of them.

As I said in my previous post, I truly am happy and am totally fine with being single.

I’ve stopped having any form of communication with any guy I knew was just interested in hooking up. Not because I’m a prude but I’m just not interested. Why string them along when I know I won’t be crawling into any of their beds anytime soon?

When I look at my friends and their significant others, I dont yearn for a relationship, for someone to carry on my arm and proudly show off like some trophy. What I yearn for is to have someone to share something with. Be it experiences, success, or just a funny gif. Part of the excitement of new relationships is getting to know the other person.

Everything with me is either 0 or 100 but right now I think all I want is something smack in the middle. No random sexcapades but no commitments either.

I can’t expect for things to just happen on their own so short of me going up to random guys and asking if they’d be interested in getting to know me, I guess I’ll just have to go back online. And maybe actually stay online this time. I think maybe the longest I’ve had a profile up is about 3 weeks.

Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t but either way I could use the practice.  Maybe this will be the year that I learn to let love in.

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Are you happy?

As humans we have somehow learned to always feel like we are missing something. The grass is always greener on the other side and there’s always something better out there for us.

Is this a universal thing or belonging solely to the land of the free and home of the brave?

I once congratulated a friend who had recently gotten married by telling him I was happy he had settled down. He rejected my message and told me he refused to say he has settled because it demoted his wife from the amazing being she is to nothing more than a runner-up.

When we ask people if they’re happy we don’t do it expecting them to say yes, we ask because we’re certain that they’re not and we just want to hear them say it out loud. When did we learn that happiness was simply unattainable?

Because of my age and my singleness, I constantly am seen as unhappy. As if my level of happiness can only rise so high on my own, I couldn’t possibly level up until I have a partner.

I have learned over the years that you can’t rely on anyone to bring you happiness, it has to come from within.

Am I totally single? Yes.
Am I going to keep being single? Probably for a while.
Am I happy? Hell yes!

More than happy, I am content, my own constant state of peaceful happiness. I am totally and completely satisfied with every area my life. I may not be exactly where I’d like but there’s no need to stress about it because I know I’m working to get there.

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Ni come, ni deja comer

Why.

That’s all I want to know.

If Carlsbad doesn’t want to pursue anything with me, WHY doesn’t he leave me the hell alone. And if he is as interested as he says he is, then WHY the hell does he ghost every other week.

After my post the other day about telling these guys I wasn’t interested, I had decided I simply was going to ignore Carlsbad. No need to be rude but just let it be known that I wasn’t going to play along anymore.

Then yesterday he started following me on Instagram.

It’s not a big deal. My life does not revolve around social media. However, let it be known that since this whole rollercoaster started, we have friended/unfriended, followed/unfollowed, and blocked each other from just about every single social media account possible.  I’ve lost count. I just unblocked him from my personal FB account a few days ago and Im still blocked from his Snapchat.

This is all incredibly stupid I know.

Here’s what drives me nuts though. He’ll go through his silent treatments, and then when he wants to reach back out again, he’ll start liking all my social media activity.

If that’s his way of testing the waters, let me just say that all he does is rile the waters terribly.

What kind of sick, cyberstalker shit is this!?

Either tell me what you want or leave me be! I’ve had enough of the uncertainty and the yo-yo’ing. How am I ever supposed to move on if all this dude ever does is loosen up the line only to reel me back in!!! Do people take some sort of sick pleasure in doing this to others or is he really that unsure of what the hell he wants.

Please universe, guide me away from this dudes path. It’s not fair and frankly, I just can’t do this anymore.

Categories: Just Because, No Bueno | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Thrice as nice

I am now officially 30 and I am still single. No kids, no significant other, no baby daddy/baby mama drama.

Im single and Im not married or dating and I couldnt care less.

Can we all just take a minute to applaud and recognize this feat of not feeding yet another stereotype.

*begins slow clap*

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ghosted

Just came across an article on Jezebel about online dating and in the comments came across the term “ghosted.”

Not just once, but in various messages.

Turns out this shit is a lot more common than I had thought. People just disappear.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.

Having too many options can actually lead ppl to be more indecisive. I get it, I totally do. Ppl always seem to have one foot out the door just waiting for the newest shiny thing, only to do it again and again and again.

Fellow ghosted recipients, lemme break it down for you right quick, THEY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Theyve got options but guess what, so do you. Keep swiping away to your hearts content.

Nexxxxxxxxt.

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

And just like that, I lost

Never try to get involved with a guy who is recently single or has history with his ex.

You’re never going to win him over, no matter how authentic it seems.

The minute she comes back into the picture, he’s gone. No explanation, no note no sign that he was ever there to begin with.

I don’t blame the exes. Hell, I’d want someone to drop everything for me too. Just know, as an outsider, it’s not your place and no matter what you do, you’ll never win.

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Forever in love

I’m in love with love.

If Im being honest, its not love Im in love with, but the idea of it. Love itself scares me and shakes me to my core.

Whenever people say theyve never loved someone or been in love, I thought it was impossible. Surely theyve felt it at least once, even if it was for a minute.

I’ve loved 3 different men in my life.

Or so I thought I did.

It wasnt until recently that I questioned if what I felt was truly love. While it may have been I now know for certain that Ive yet to encounter that one true love. Of course its possible to love many people, but I think we all experience that one love so great and so powerful that our entire beings are forever changed. Theres no doubt about whether it was or wasnt, you know that you have encountered this force that will remain with you until you pass from this earth. Who knows, maybe it even follows you into your next life. Can you imagine a love that grand? So big that it spans through several reincarnations.

Whoa.

The idea of it all warms my insides but when confronted with the possibility of it, I can fear tears welling up out of fear alone.

Ive been hurt in the past and Id hate to go through heartbreak again. My fear doesnt come from the idea of being sad. It stems from the knowledge that if I were to allow myself to truly let myself fall in love, Id be consumed entirely by it. The feeling is more than anything Ive ever experienced or felt in my entire life.

Im not saying Im in love or that Im falling. Ive simply been in a situation where Ive gotten close enough to catch a glimpse of what could be and it is the single most exciting and frightening thing Ive ever felt in my entire life.

Ive never been one to be patient but if what I tasted was simply a fraction of how grand love can be, then I wouldnt mind waiting for it to come around. It as in a love that grand, not as in a person.  Dont get too excited, Im not seeing anyone nor is there any true potential out there for me at the moment.

Anywhoo, thats all. Off to le gym I go.

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Also

If you read that last post and have been following me at all, youll notice that I said I saw Carlsbad.

Not a typo. Totally did.

Cant tell you how or why it happened, just did.

At this point Ive given up pretending I have any control over my life and have accepted that the universe is going to do with me what it will.

I aint even mad.

Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Spoiler alert

In Return of the Jedi, Han Solo & Leia live happily ever after. Han gets his girl. Or so Wikipedia says, Ive never seen it.

But this isnt a movie. This is reality. And so Hans Solo doesnt get the girl. Instead he does quite the opposite. He sees to it that she’ll never want to see him again.

Last night started off fine, Mr. Solo was even looking pretty handsome. After a while though I asked when his last relationship was. Normally I dont care. Im not actively trying to date anyone nor make anyone my boyfriend.

The reason I asked is because the first time I came by this dudes profile he had a picture of a girl kissing his cheek. Second time around the girl had been cropped out, resulting in an extreme closeup. This was over a few weeks maybe so it was obvious he was suddenly a scorned lover.

When I asked he said he had just broken up with his GF of a year a month ago. Not only is the wound still fresh, its still bleeding. When he saw my reaction, he changed it to 3 months.

I have learned time and time again to avoid dudes who have recently gotten out of or are getting out of relationships. They’re bad news. Just like that, theyll vanish the minute the ex comes back in to the picture, and she always does. Shit now that I think about it, its probably not that Carlsbad had another chick on the side, it was probably his ex! Lol

So already this dudes no bueno for me. Even though Im not trying to date him, I dont need to invest any time into this. I can find someone to have sex with who doesnt have baggage.

Speaking of sex.

Id decided I didnt want to have any yesterday. It had been a 15 hour day for me and I wasnt feeling totally fresh. Sometimes, who gives a shit, and sometimes, no thanks. Had I been in the mood or had he tried hard enough I probably wouldve caved. Up until the end, this dude was super touchy feely, extremely talkative and interested in everything I had to say, complimenting me left and right. As soon as I said I didnt want to have sex, this foo shut down and went to sleep. Im not talking like gradually drifted off, I mean like as soon as I said it he sat there offened, “Oh. I thought you wanted to and I was cool with it.” So my smartass told him I shouldve at least let him know beforehand so he’d have time to rescind his invitation. He closed his eyes and slept.

So I left.

Fuck you and anyone else who thinks I am here strictly for YOUR sexual pleasure. Your walk-on role in my life is no longer needed, so please see your way out.

Im done.

Im done with all the assholes, the douches, the creeps, the clingy ass motherfuckers, the guys with small dicks, the dudes who think theyre doing you a favor, the bitches who keep fucking with your feelings because theyre unsure of their own, the Dr. Phil ass wannabes who keep telling you what to do yet their love lifes shitter than yours, and most importantly, the misogynists.

Stay the hell away from me, each and every one of you.

I am MUCH better off on my own, thank you very much.

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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