Posts Tagged With: tinder

One mississippi… two mississippi

When I was a kid I remember always staring at the magnets on my grandmas fridge. One of them has stuck with me throughout my life. Well two, but the other ones about credit and debt haha.

The one that I’m talking about said something along the lines of “When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m even better.”

I’m pretty good at being good. But it seems I’m even better at being bad. Seeing as how Carlsbad and I decided to work things out, I bid adieu to a few fellas this week. By a few I mean I’ve told 4-5 different guys so far that I’m now semi off limits. There’s a chance I may need to repeat the message once or twice more. Maybe.

I deleted my Tinder and OkCupid profiles, I say bye to my side dudes, and Ive even decided to take a break from going out all the time. I’m not doing any of this for Carlsbad, I’m doing it for me.

I’m an open book, I hide nothing. Because of this, a lot of people tend to picture me a certain way. See: party girl/wildly promiscuous. I always say that when it’s time to get serious about someone, I can. So me changing my behavior up isn’t about me proving to some dude I can be trusted. It’s about me proving to myself that I can stick to something and don’t need all the booze & dudes.

For the most part, I’m fine. But sometimes I like to get a little technical.

Like last night.

Technically Carlsbad didnt ask me to stay away from any dudes. Technically we’re not dating. Technically I’m still fucking single and can fucking do whatever I want, even if that includes fucking whoever I fucking want.

I was texting two of my formal fellows. One was already getting dressed to head out and meet me. I was feeling antsy so I was definitely going to sleep with whoever I met up with.

Ten minutes passed. Twenty minutes passed. Thirty… Forty… Fifty. Finally an hour passed from the time I had initially messaged these dudes and I just couldn’t do it. I was totally willing but I decided against it.

If I’m going to try, then I better fucking try 100%. Even though Carlsbad is the one that approached me about wanting to work things out, he’s tried about as hard as a pig rushing to the front of the line at a slaughterhouse, i.e. not at all, lol. But thats fine for the moment. He said he wanted to try and so Im letting him. If he does nothing, nothings going to happen. At least Ill be able to walk away knowing it wasnt for my lack of trying.

I’m still messaging the poet here and there but at this point its more out of habit than interest. Sounds messed up I know but what are you gonna do.

Patience has never been a virtue I possessed but if practice makes perfect, I should be good enough to wait for all eternity by the end of the week.

One…. Two…… Three…. Four…. Five….

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I’m scared shitless

Oh my, what an interesting turn of events.

Just yesterday I posted about all the guys I was potentially dating. In the first guys description I said I would probably drop everything had he popped back up. I was joking. Not because I didnt mean it but because we weren’t talking anymore and him popping back up would be like me getting eaten by a dinosaur. It just wasnt going to happen.

If you’ve been following me for a bit or have suddenly binge read all my posts, you’ll see that I’ve talked about this guy in sevvvvvveral posts (The Contender, Sunday Bloody Sunday, something about me wanting to date him, and one about me telling him to fuck off).

From really early on, I liked this guy. Our first date only solidified these feelings. But in the months or so that we talked and hung out after, it was all over the place. Sometimes I wouldnt hear from him for days and other times it was nonstop. It was definitely the most confused I had ever been. I decided if I wanted to stay sane I had to cut him loose, so I did. I bid him adieu and blocked him on Tinder and Instagram, and I erased his phone number and all messages.

After about a week I unblocked him on Insta thinking a) he’d never notice he wasnt following me anymore and b)even if he did notice he wouldnt be dumb enough to follow me again. My profile isnt private so if he wanted to creep he could do so without me ever knowing.

But no.

Two nights ago I logged on and saw that not only had he started following me, he went and liked some of my pictures. For a second I was flattered but I quickly became upset. How dare he just fucking pop back up and leave proof that he had been visiting my page?! Couldn’t he just do it without letting me know?!

I was still pretty pissed about it yesterday so I went through my phone to see if I could somehow find his number. I then messaged him asking what the hell he was thinking.

I know this sounds a bit ridic considering its just another follower but it was about the principle. I had made it clear I was done with him so why come back?!

Of course, we then ended up texting for hours and hours.

I told him I was upset and I was done with him and all that jazz. What does he come back with? 

I wasn’t sure what u wanted.  U werent exactly very clear with me either. But I do like you and if it could work between us, I’d be stoked.

Cuz I started to miss you

I feel like u like to go out and date and have fun and even if I tried to make it work, you’d still want to keep doing that.

I wanna try

That and a whole lot of other stuff. How is he going to pop back up and drop a load on me like that?! I’ve been dating, I’ve been thinking about him less, I havent reached out to him. Why now?! Why at all??!?!?!

I thought about it all day.

I’m STILL thinking about it now but what’s done is done.

I told him ok, I said he could try.

I know some of you may not agree with me. Hell, I know none of my friends or family would even agree with me. I’ve already been hurt because of all the confusion with this guy and all the yo-yo’ing. I’ve already moved on and started seeing other people, people who probably already think we’re officially dating.

But at the end of the day, he’s still the guy I think about and the one I want to be with. I know I’m probably setting myself up to get hurt but I have to try.

The whole point of me trying online dating is so I could find someone to date. I found someone I genuinely like and Im supposed to place him aside for a safer bet?

It sucks, it really does. This can go either way but I wont know unless I try.

I’m not holding my breath or getting my hopes up, I’m just gonna sit back and let things unfold on their own.

As it is I’m always pretty skeptical and a bit removed. Now in this case I feel like I have to be extra cautious. I’m scared shitless. Just thinking about it makes my throat close up.

I’m hoping it all works out but even if it doesn’t, I can always go back on Tinder or OkC and at least I’ll be able to say, I tried.

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I’m seeing someone

Ha, just kidding.

Although, if that statement were to apply to me it’d be closer to a few someones, not just one.

The way I see it, I’m single and what I do in my life is no ones business but my own. I’m not dating as many people as possible because I need or want attention, because I’m trying to score a free dinner or drinks, or because I’m a sex addict. I’m testing the waters. There’s no way of knowing whether I’m going to click with someone unless I hang with them. So that’s what I’m doing. Except it’s all at once. Kinda.

I once told a dude I wasn’t a serial dater buuuut I’m not so sure anymore.

Ideally, I just want to eventually meet someone who I can hang with. I’ve been given that but as life would have it, I’m just not that interested.

Instead of getting into specifics, I’m just gonna go ahead and break it down from maybe to probably never gonna happen. Being on OkCupid & Tinder there’s always a revolving door of nameless faces but these following dudes have stayed relevant for more than a few days so kudos to them.

The Maybes
In a perfect world under other circumstances these dudes would be #1 picks. I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna happen but I’ll still try.

Tapeworm/Carlsbad: Ugh. This guy. This guy was all sorts of wrong and yet I kept pressing forward. I say was because I don’t talk to him anymore. Some things wont work no matter how hard you want them to. I really did like this dude and as much as I hate it, he still consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. Ok, maybe not evvvvvery day. I blocked him on Tinder & Instagram a few weeks back. I unblocked him on Insta and what do you know. As of last night he started following me again and liked a few of my pictures. As any self-respecting woman I should never even give this guy the time of day but if we’re being honest, I would probably drop everything if he asked.

The Poet: Never have I tanked a date so badly or made such a fool of myself than I have with this guy. I blame it on a lack of sleep. No lie, I brought up a past conversation and immediately realized the conversation had been held with someone entirely different. Whoops. He brushed it off. He’s only a few years older than me but has a trio of children. I want to like him and have hung out with him two nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning, buuuut I just dont see it happening.

The Navy Guy: Hung out with this guy and was actually met with more than I expected. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. In the short time I’ve known him he’s already shown to be all about me and has even stopped checking his OkC profile. He’s just a bit too mellow for me.

Hans Solo: This dude I’ve yet to meet. We started talking a few weeks ago and then he went MIA. Reappeared again and we just havent been able to meet up. I’m definitely interested in this guy, even if it is just to check out a reading nook he built for himself. First time he invited me over, my car was blocked in the driveway. The next time, my phone died before I could tell him what time I’d be free that night, and the last time I went on a last minute trip out of town.

Still a maybe, but probably never gonna happen
The old guy: Probably not the best nickname lol. Ten years older than me and Im strangely attracted. At first I thought just to hookup, then I considered for an actual date. We planned it and everything but as it got closer I got uber self conscious about being out with him since he was obviously older than me. His beard is heavily salt&peppered and I look younger than my age. Super shallow I know. I still tried to go through with it but then circumstances just didnt let it happen. So I ended up hanging with the navy guy and the poet instead. Not together, just kinda back to back. Yes I had 2 back to back “dates.” No shame. I saw this guy the day after we were supposed to hang, hes a bouncer at a bar I go to. We awkwardly greeted annnnnd to make things even weirder, the poet showed up to hang as well. I felt bad the entire night, especially because the poet was touchyfeely. Ive since messaged the old dude and apologized. I even told him Id still be interested in hanging. I was rightfully ignored for a few days. No big lol.

Il Italiano:  This guy has held on for somewhere around 3 months now and we’ve never even met! I keep forgetting all about him and then he pops up again. Kudos to this guy for his persistence.

I keep thinking one of these dudes will do something to stand out above the others so I can get rid of all the excess. Doesnt look like its gonna happen and so long as I keep thinking about effing Tapeworm, it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I’ll just keep hanging with them in the meantime I guess. Here’s to hoping I don’t hurt anyones feelings in the process.

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quantity vs Quality

Last post today I swear.

So since I’ve stopped talking to the ahole of a dude, I’ve gone back to my carefree ways. A little too carefree considering I thought about trying to go out on a date and sleep with a different dude each day this week. I totally could if I wanted to. BUT I won’t.

Anywhoo, so I’ve gone back to talking to more dudes than I know what to do with. My theory. What I do in my life is no ones business but my own. If any of the dudes I’m talking to would like to know about my dating habits I have nothing to hide and will gladly tell them.

I’m not sleeping with anyone on the regular so it’s not like I’m sleeping around. Even so, I wear a rubber each time. Wait, I’m not the one with the dick but you know what I mean.

The minute I sense some seriousness with any of these dudes, I’ll stop talking to all the others. Hell, I’ll even get rid of my Tinder and OkCupid accounts. Granted, I do realize that maybe why I’m still single IS because I do this shit buuuuuuut whatever.

I’m just worried that at one point I’m going to be out with one and run into another. I’d introduce them to each other and probably still get away with seeing them both simultaneously.

God, this is going to get me in trouble.

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Tweezers, anyone?

Sometimes in life you have to go through some shitty situations so you can enjoy and appreciate the good.

And sometimes in life you’ve had it so good that you didn’t even realize there was any bad to be had.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have gone 15 years of being sexually active and have NEVER seen a small penis until this year. I think it goes without saying that I’ve been around, but let me say it anyway. I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF EFFING PENISES! Never have I had the misfortune of  encountering one that was on the small side. I’ve been lucky I guess you can say. I’ve had both long (see: Monstrous) and girthy (see: Sunday Bloody Sunday).

The first dude I met on Tinder had a girlfriend. I felt bad. So I only slept with him twice lol. The first time we had sex I could feel he lack of substance and thought it was quite funny when he said, “I’m so deep inside you!” because I for one, estimated it to be the opposite. It wasn’t until the second time that I was able to confirm my suspicions when I actually held him in my hand. Whoa. I thought it was an urban legend, I didn’t actually know they came that small.

Instead of being shallow and making some snide remark I simply positioned myself to where I would benefit the most and went about my business. Oddly enough, that was also the day I told him he should be faithful to his girlfriend.

Sudden guilt trip or subconscious attempt to get away from the man with the small penis? You decide.

That was in February/March. I haven’t talked to him since and he’s still on Tinder. Sorry ladies.

Now we come to man #2.

This weekend I started talking to a Tinderfella that was visiting so of course he was trying to get his dick wet. Had he been any thirstier I would’ve had to take him to the ER to hook him up to an IV for fear of dehydration.

He seemed cool and was not only able to keep up with my witty banter but he was able to throw it back so I figured, meh, why not.

We agreed to meet up that night at a bar and sneak away for a bit. I was with my friends and I wasn’t exactly about to ditch them so I could go have sex.

Dude shows up and seems cool. Not drop dead gorgeous but no worries, he’ll do. We sneak away blah blah blah. I’ll keep at the details out because that’s a whole other story. Probably one of the worst attempts at a hookup to ever have gone done in the history of hooking up.

Somehow we end up in his car, not having sex at all but with his masturbating. I tried to help for a few minutes but let me just say that it’s hard to jerk someone off when their dick doesn’t even fit in the palm of your hand. Not even lying. I kept having to pull it just so it wouldn’t slip out of my palm. I guess he got the point because he ended up finishing himself off.

I know that there are a bunch of factors that go in to determining what size your peen is going to be and that no one has any control over it. But geeze, I would hate to be a dude with a small dick. I’d become the world’s greatest pussy eater if that was the case or the man with the fastest fingers. I don’t know. Something to make up for the fact that I had a small dick. This dude was neither. Shit, I don’t even think he knew where my vagina was because for the 2 seconds he had his hand up my dress half of it was spent on everything BUT my pussy.

To the short-dicked dudes of the world, I feel for you, I really do. But maybe you should pick up some skills, like don’t expect me to work for it when you’re the one that isn’t bringing anything to the table.

I’m not going to sit here and go the typical route and make fun of these dudes because I’ve always been a firm believer of size not really mattering. I’ve had plenty of big-dicked dudes who didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

C’mon guys, meet me halfway here.

Well, I guess considering size I can meet you 3/4 of the way since you can only go about 1/4. Hahahahahaha ok, that’s all.

Categories: No Bueno | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

The art of ass sniffing

I will never for the life of me understand why dogs sniff each others asses. But then again, I’ll never understand why they lick their own balls either, is it for pleasure or do they lick just to lick? I looked it up because I like to know things. If I accomplish nothing in life, at least I’ll know that I have a ton of useless information. Turns out that dogs don’t smell each others asses to say hello. They do it because, according to this article, their ass gives off a smell in which the smellers can determine the smellees gender, health, and all sorts of other vital information.

Sniff, sniff, whoa that poodle has mono! OR Snnniiiiiiiiffffffffff, mmmm this chow husky mix is definitely packing where it matters most. I actually don’t know how this shit works exactly because I myself am not a dog, no matter HOW many times I am referred to one.

Ba dum tss

So basically, that initial whiff gives the dog all kinds of useful information. Can you imagine if that shit worked for people? With one big whiff you’d know about someones 401K or past sexcapades gone wrong. While it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to go around smelling peoples asses all day, we do get pretty close.

It’s not called ass sniffing, it’s called online stalking.

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes


Sometimes it can be done without the other person knowing. A lot of people actually put their instagram info on their Tinder profile so you can sniff around without them ever knowing. Some people want to know when you’re sniffing around and have a private account. Why tell everyone where the partys at if you still have to ask to come in? I don’t do either but I will give out the info once I’ve semi started talking to someone and seen that they’re not batshit crazy.

The funny part is when they start liking or commenting on pictures. Now not only have they sniffed but they’ve started sprinkling some pee around. They want you to know they’ve been looking around. I always take this as a cue to go ahead and do the same. That picture you can’t get enough of, go ahead and double tap now.

Other sites such as OkCupid let you know about the ass sniffing as soon as it goes down. The minute someone looks at your profile you get a notification that they’re checking you out. The bad thing is though that it’ll notify the smellee for each time you do it. Like what you see? Well you’d be better off taking a screenshot of someones profile than coming off as extremely creepy for checking out that same profile a few dozen times a day.

Much like how dogs do this to get a better sense of the other dogs, we do this to get a better sense of other people. Maybe before I totally wanted to date a certain guy but after checking out his hundreds of pics of him blackout drunk I might reconsider? Or vice versa. If I was on the fence about somebody, his pictures might sway me in his favor.

As for me, I don’t always have the most flattering pictures of myself on Instagram but if a guy wants to see more of me, then I figure he’ll definitely get a better sense of who I am. While I do have more than 600 pictures on my account, the majority of them aren’t of my face (see: not a selfie whore).

So go ahead people of the world, take a look around and get a nice whiff. If you like what you see, I guess you can pee on me some. Not literally though. Definitely, not literally.

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I am….

On my inner right forearm I have a tattoo that says “Je suis,” French for I am. At the time I wanted to get something bold, one word that defined me at my core. When I was at the tattoo shop however, I couldn’t come up with anything. I didn’t want to confine myself to one word that word forever brand me and hold me to that definition. So I opted simply for I am, followed by an ellipsis because that’s the only way I can ever properly describe myself, I simply am.

This same line of thinking however, doesn’t quite seem to work for the opposite sex well at least, the guys I encounter.

Having accounts on multiple dating sites at one point or another has required me to expose myself to a large number of people whom would otherwise never have had the delight of critiquing me to their hearts desire.

What I’ve noticed with the people who message me and those who I’ve been on dates with, is that they have this idea of who I’m supposed to be and when I don’t fall into that idea, I’m set aside for someone who does.

Let me explain.

If I’m talking to someone and sex comes up. I’m supposed to act like I don’t want it, but only slightly. If I flat out reject someone, I’m a bitch. But if I tell them no but keep talking to them anyway, I’m saying no when I must mean yes. Fuck you society. If I actually do along with the fact that I’d like to sleep with someone, then I can only go as far as the dude takes it. He can tell me all day long about all the various things he’d like to do to me, as graphic and disturbing as it may be. And I[m supposed to just sit there and be like, “Mmmm yes.” Totally acceptable. The minute I turn around though and follow this dudes lead and say anything without first having been told anything, it’s now gross and too forward and apparently now I’m just thirsty. WTF?

Same thing goes for when I’m supposed to be “sexy.” Let me just say that I have no idea what the hell sexy is even supposed to mean. This last guy I went out with said my nose ring, the rasp in my voice when I get tired, my voice overall, and speaking in Spanish was all sexy.  Uhhhh ok. Anyway, when a dude has this impression of me I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to keep it up. Act coy and play hard to get? Isn’t that the image the media portrays? So when I go and act like I normally do, because I figure well being labeled sexy doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’m doing, rather with things that go along with my daily life, the image becomes distorted and now I’m boring, no longer exciting. Again, WTF.

I used to host a sex talk show on some internet radio station. When I tell people this, it’s suddenly implied that I love talking about sex and I have sex on the brain 24/7. Sure, ask me or tell me anything, I don’t mind! Not. For the most part, I don’t. However, it’s not something I want to talk about repeatedly.

These are just a few examples. But the list goes on and on. What is so hard to grasp or comprehend about a person being multifaceted? I have to be innocent, yet sexy. Sexual but not experienced. Smart but not too smart. It’s exhausting trying to fit into someones idea of what they think you should be when you yourself don’t even know what that is. I’m always being myself so when someone is attracted to me I figure I can go on being myself, what’s the difference? Apparently a ton.

I feel like I have to put on a one-man show to keep these peoples attention, “Look at me, look at me!” The minute they glance away, that’s it. Game over, time to set up from the beginning for the next candidate.

Why is it the societal norm for a woman to try to attract the man and get his attention? Why am I supposed to be the one to put on my best behavior to secure a guy? It’s gross and has taught men that if there’s a woman who won’t fit the bill, they can just go right out and find one who does, one who will willingly dance when they tell her to.

I’m over it. I’m tired of trying to figure out what mask I have to hide behind or what persona I have to develop to hold a mans attention. If I have to spend the rest of my life sifting through an endless revolving door of one bed sheet after another simply because I refuse to be a part of the show, so be it.

I’ve stopped caring to erase my Tinder account. It can stay, it’s not the app that bothers me but its users. Some, not all. I’m not giving up on dating, not at all.

I’m just playing by my own rules now.

I am not going to let society in its ringleader role determine who or what I should be.

I am going to take it all at face value.

I am….


Categories: Just Because | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Slow and steady wins the race

Or in my case, slow and steady drives me absolutely nuts. I have the patience of a raging bull at a bullfight. I’m ok the first few seconds but after that, it’s all chaos.

It’s funny because I was taking to a guy this morning. Yes, a Tinderfolk. Yes, one I’ve slept with. We’ve kept in touch and just share our war stories at this point. Anyway, I was telling him about my patience and the first thing he says is, “That’s funny. You seem super chill and laid back.”

And for the most part, I am. Until something with potential comes along. Be it a job, an amazing opportunity, a travel adventure, or in this case, a man.

We’ve already determined the uncertainty I was feeling and I can say it’s still there. Not as strong as before, but definitely still there. I really like this new guy and it seems like he likes me too. But OH EM GEE is everything going at a freaking snails pace. I am SO not used to this.

We’ve seen each other three times now. Much better than any other Tinderfolk and probably a hell of a lot better than dudes I meet in real life as well. Here’s the thing though, we didn’t even kiss until the last time we saw each other. Yeah there was sex too but up until then, there hadn’t been anything else. I’m fine with that, that’s great that I’m weighing more than just this guys dick size.

But here’s where my patience starts to run thin. We don’t talk daily. And when we do talk, it’s real basic. I’m not expecting an effing biography every time we text but it doesn’t help me at all in knowing what the hells going on.

Although it may seem like anything but, I’m actually very monogamous when I need to be. Well, 99.9% of the time. I don’t like starting anything new while I still have pending sexcapades, just not my style. So when I see potential in someone or something, I slowly start to rid myself of the excess guys and sex.

So I’ve done that.

Ok, well there’s one guy that still texts me a bit but it’s real basic stuff, no sexytalk or leading him on. Besides, I think he has an idea that I’ve got something else going on anyway, we just haven’t gone in to details.

Anyway, so no more Tinderfolk. No more Tinder. For me anyway. He still has his account. Yes, yes, I know. All bad. But you can’t expect someone to shut it down just because you guys have had sex. I keep erasing my account because the people that decide to message me are complete idiots.

So here’s my dilemma. This in between stage is where I start to get antsy. Why did I get rid of all my Tinderfolk if it wasn’t bothering anyone? I’m single so does it really matter who I’m sleeping with so long as I’m being safe? Even then, if I decided to have unprotected sex, whose business is it but my own? But then again, I don’t want to be an asshole and then tell some guy I’ve been sleeping with that I’m suddenly seeing someone, or vice versa.


It’s not the not-knowing that gets to me. It’s having to keep it in my pants that does. Anyhow, I’ve decided that I’m not going to stir the pot and I’m just going to let things be. Everything will figure itself out eventually anyway. In the meantime I just wont go out of my way to see any new bed sheets.


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Swipe Right For Objectification

*This was taken from another blog. However, I am the original author so I’ll add it where I please, i.e. here lol. 

Online dating, or as I know it: The Place Where I’m Constantly Saying No to Sex and Then Being Called A Bitch For It. 

Yup, that about sums it up.

Apparently having an online profile on ANY* dating site means that I am actively looking for sex and I should be flattered and immediately say yes any time anyperson shows any interest. A 12-year-old who lied and said he was 30, yup I totally have to be flattered. A 42-year-old who decided to ignore the fact that I am not looking for anyone past the age of 33, yup, time to drop trou. Someone who is within the age range I’m looking for but not at all in possession of any of the traits I’m looking for in a partner, nope doesn’t matter, I should still comply and if I don’t I should be ready to expect a slew of names thrown at me.

What. The. Fuck.

I’m not saying that this doesn’t happen in the real world. However, in the real world there’s usually alcohol involved, it plays out over a few hours not a few minutes, and there’s usually security involved if the guy gets a little nasty.

Not online. Online no one knows if you’re made out of cups. And in that same sense, no one is supposed to know who you really are so it’s ok to be an asshole right? Wrong.

It’s not that hard to figure out who some of these people are. A little digging and reverse image search can lead you to these dudes social media pages and voila, we have a name for the douchebag. I’ve actually seen Tumblr pages dedicated to calling people out on their assholery.

I’m not trying to find my Prince Charming online. Hell, I’m not even looking for him in real life. I’m just looking for someone to maybe casually date. And no matter how you phrase it, it seems that every single dude that has contacted me has been only after one thing. Sex. I’m no prude and am never opposed to a good hookup session, but when did online dating become the speedy checkout line to one-night stands?

I’ve tried HowAboutWe, Tinder, PlentyOfFish, and OkCupid. A friend suggested that if I tried a paying site like Match or something, maybe I’d be confronted with a decline in jerks. I’d actually hate to find that because these people are paying a premium every month, that they’d suddenly feel more entitled to demanding sex.

Ladies and gentlemen, simply because a person is on an online dating site DOES NOT mean they are looking for sex. Don’t resort to nasty name calling when they say no. I’ve blocked a few dozen users just so they wouldn’t come back and keep calling me names.

Some people say they’re looking for someone to date and no more than a few texts in and they’re already asking for pictures. I can assure you, no one is asking to see my dog doing tricks or what I ate that day. I’ve always been pretty lame when it comes to sexting, even with boyfriends. Now these are people I’ve never met before and will probably never get around to meeting and they want to see what it looks like where the sun don’t shine? Uh, I don’t think so.

If I complied, at least 200 or so dudes out there would know what my tidbits looked like. I don’t get what’s so appealing about nudes and if that’s whats hindering my ability to find someone to casually date, so be it. It used to be that someone wouldn’t want to marry you if you weren’t a virgin. Now it’s to the point that no one wants to date you if they first haven’t seen your hoohah on an AMOLED screen. Most guys I talk to lose interest after a few days and fall off the face of the earth. I guess there’s only so much you can talk about after your request for nudes has been denied. I don’t blame them if all it’s going to take is a few more swipes before they find someone with an entire collection of upskirt shots that they’re more than willing to share.

Who cares about compatibility and chemistry, I’m just gonna start carrying a wallet sized collage of my goods and when dudes try to talk to me, I’ll whip it out immediately to save them the hassle of talking to me a few minutes before asking for it.

I kid obviously, I’d rather three separate photos instead of the one collage. That way I can really highlight my features.


*I said any but I can’t say that for certain. I have had or currently have accounts on Tinder, HowAboutWe, PlentyOfFish, and OkCupid.

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Annnnnnnnnnd I’m back

That only took a day or two.

Back on Tinder and back to my regular old self of not giving a fuuuuuuu. Not only am I back on Tinder but guess who I found? I found this dude, yes that guy, and I even agreed to see him again. Yes yes, I know what you’re thinking. But hey, I’m not taking a word he says serious. I figure I might as well get sooooomething out of this whole ordeal and yes I mean sex. Oh, and I also happened to bump into Romeo again too. And yes, I also agreed to see him too. I also need to collect some form of payment for being stood up. Pffffft don’t judge me. Ok, go ahead, I would too.

Some days, I just need to have options. Like a shit ton of options. Like options as backups for my options.

Screenshot_2014-05-14-12-37-11_1 (1)

So far I’ve only seen one dick pic.

But the face that it belonged to wasn’t so pretty so I blocked him. On kik and tinder. Who cares. I never agreed to send pic for pic so its not like I led him on. Shit, these days simply because I swiped right I’ve signed some imaginary agreement to show every dude my tits and ass. False. I made no such promise. These dudes can suck it. And by suck it I mean my imaginary dick. No way would I ever let them lay mouth to snatch. My vagina is far superior than any dick. If I had a penis I’d prob slap every dude across the face with it haha. Not because I think like most men that dicks are God gift to women, but because it’s funny that men place such high regard on some flesh that spends most of its day looking like a soggy banana.

Anywhoooooooo, back to the story at hand.

Men. Love em, can’t get enough of them. They’ve been my vice for years. I don’t take most serious, not because they’re not to be taken seriously but because I know that nothing will ever come out of our brief encounters. This is why I get extremely frustrated when I finally do take some serious, let them in a bit and then find out that they’re full of shit. What a waste of my time and effort lol. Yes, I know I can’t shut everyone out and that eventually I’ll have to let someone in or else how well I know that we’re extremely compatible and can stand each other for more than a few hours at a time. However, I can’t see that happening with anyone who tries to charm the pants off me by telling me how thick his cock is or how good he’s going to make my pussy feel.

Their words, not mine.

“Mom, how did you and Dad meet? How did you know he was the one?” 

“Well kids, once he told me he wanted to impregnate my ass I knew there would never be another man for me. I started to have my doubts after a few dates but then I came home to find he’d set up a tarp on the floor so he could try to piss on me. How considerate! I never looked back after that night.”

Uhm, hell to the no. It’s a double standard to expect men to take me seriously after I’ve slept with them right away but then not extend the same to them. Buuuuuuut I didn’t take them serious to begin with so the sex doesn’t add or subtract to that equation hahahaha.

Ok anyway, I’m off. Some Tindrfolk with broken English is trying to be cool and woo me. I’ll be polite and let him off easy.

Oh, and before you go off and say something not even remotely clever like “the thirst is real” uh, yea it sure as hell is, just not here. I’m not the thirsty one in these situations. I simply do whats been allowed of me to do. I’d never pursue a dude that wasn’t sexually interested and most of the time, see 99.9%, the only reason I even sext with these fools is because they can’t hold a decent conversation without it. Their lack of creativity and a brain, not mine.

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